Too Late To Turn Back Now

This is a song I heard only once, but one which touched my heart so much, and left so much emotion in me that I almost choked from the tears I barely held back from view of my most unforgiving friends.

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Too Late To Turn Back Now
( Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose )


My mama told me, she said, "Son, please beware"
"There's this thing called love and it's everywhere"
She told me, "It can break your heart and leave you in misery"
And since I met this little woman,
I feel it's happening to me, and I'm tellin' you

It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm fallin' in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love

I found myself phoning her at least ten times a day
It's so unusual for me to carry on this way
I tell you ...
I can't sleep at night
Wanting to hold her tight
I've tried so hard to convince myself
That this feeling just can't be right, and I'm tellin' you

It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm fallin' in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love
It's too late, Baby....

Whoa-oh
I wouldn't mind it if I knew she really loved me too
But I hate to think that I'm in love alone and there's nothing that I can do
Whoa

It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm fallin' in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love
It's too late

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Sorry...no psycho-babble/analysis for this one. Writer's block.

Home is where the heart is

After being here in the United States for so long, I am finally going back to the Philippines. Months ago I was very homesick, but now I am saddened to leave because Pasadena feels like my home already.

Just when I have finally adapted to the situation, it changes, and somehow I just feel a tad bit too tired already for starting all over again. I have to worry again about those alleged akyat-bahay neighbors who hit my apartment 2 years ago. I have to commute again with the jeepneys, instead of driving a car which I have been quite gotten accustomed to around here. And second worst of all, I am going back to sleeping in a small apartment with no air-conditioning and television.

The Worst thing of all is that I feel there's no place for me in Manila. It is a very unwelcoming place, unlike her where people greet you in the elevators, and strangers often smile to each other down the hallway. Where people open the doors for you, wait for you in the elevator, and treat you out on you birthday instead of the other way around (typical Filipino custom). In Manila, people just keep on complaining of what they don't have, what they should have, and even the things they are lucky to have that others don't. I hate Manila; somethinh I realized today, when the truth of coming home finally sank in on me.

Ok, maybe that is not the entire truth. Another side of the story I guess is that there's no girl I am going back to in Manila; and that perhaps more than anything else saps my energy and sense of purpose. I am bringing my meaningless existence back to a place that sucks. At least here, TV and Lego occupies my time.

Somehow I don't just feel like going back. But I must, and that alleviates some burden while adding some more too.

Writer's block

For weeks now I have been trying to write something really meaningful on this blog, but somehow I have never been able to produce. I can't really pinpoint the reason as to what is wrong, perhaps because there is nothing wrong, or there are just too many. I've been trying to put my mood into that which makes my hand an extension of my thoughts, but I always end up feeling some kind of void, an emptiness; I just can't seem to find that kind of passion that used to keep me going for hours, just expressing my thoughts. What's wrong with me? Perhaps this is the real me, and I simply have moments of inspiration which drives me to do something that I normally do not do.

I guess I am depressed in a bit. Alot of things are happening all around me that I can't keep up with; and being the control freak that I am I feel so inadequate, and perhaps outdated I guess. There are times I feel that I have burnt out my flame even before I even began to shine.

Well anyways, since this is the case, I guess I'll just do some plain story telling, instead of the usual philosophical approach.

There was this girl (those who know me know this line very well) I met 9 months back. She was pretty, somewhat shy, but quite a bit hmmm..how do you call that...masungit (stern?) in a way. I was smitten immediately. Oh, just to not leave anything out, I should also mention that she has a very hot body.

My typical romance is I fall for a girl, I try to become friends with her, we become close, I hint to her my feelings, she avoids me, I bang my head against the wall, we never talk to each other again. This one went like the playbook. The usual shy meeting, the moments I tell myself I'll never get to know her, the typical coincidence of meeting her somewhere, where the conversation and my hopeless romance began.

After weeks of just taking glances at her, I got to get to talk to her from time to time. And everytime I speak to her, my attraction just grows more and more. Heck, I even tried to learn Mandarin just to find a way to talk to her. such are my futile attempts to chase a star, the edge of the rainbow, the 7th heaven, or whatever what-cha-ma-call-it you have in your preferred metaphors. Of course all these ended up to nothing, and the moment she had to go back home to Taiwan after the project I was really saddened. I have never even got close to something memorable or defining with her. All I have are meaningless encounters (not those encounters I'm sure some of you immediately thought of) at the pantry, the doorway, or even the hollywoodish like parking lot scenario. I hated myself then because I was not ready to met her in the first place, and now she is gone. I knew I would never see her again.

Until two weeks ago, when she came back. And she was even more beautful this time. And her smiles, and laughter, and facial expressions just brought me back to the hole I dug myself into months ago. It was like de ja vu in some ways as I thought that this time we will never be talking as we used to. But talk we did, lots of talks more, in the two weeks that she has been here than the months I was given the first time. This is a second chance, I knew, and again a chance I was not prepared to take.

Who would have thought that I would get to have another chance of seeing someone I thought would never see again. And now it breaks my heart even more, as everyday I get to see someone who without effort dictates the motions of my heart, as if every beat is a moment that requires her permission to exist. Two weeks, and I knew that I would have two more weeks to enjoy the melody that I surprisingly found in her voice--that is until today, when I was told that I would be going home earlier than expected. My heart broke today, because the impending darkness that I knew would once again take over my life has come earlier that what I would have liked. It is like looking at a sunset in the northern skies this time of year, short but very beautiful, and just when you are starting to savor and bask at the gentle rays being reflected by the mountains serving as canvass to this wonderful painting, a thick fog suddenly appears to precede the eventual darkness.

I hate this day. And I love it too. It is more precious than the rest, though more fleeting too.

I hate my love story, and even this is debatable on whether this is truly about love. But with love having so many obscure meanings and descriptions, I would not be so different in calling this one having a definition of my own. I fell in love, no matter how shallow that sounds, to a girl whose smile and laughter breaks my heart everytime.

Darkness consume me now, for your cold embrace could no longer give pain much much stronger than what I am already in.


And that ends my fits of anger and depression...I feel much better now, and am ready to fall in love again for the first time. Hahaha...some say I sound like a drug addict, someone needing rehabilitation and psychological treatment. Some say I just need to get laid pretty bad. :P

Till my next writer's block.

People Whisperer

One of the more popular shows in US television nowadays is the National Geographic feature Dog Whisperer. In the show, dog behaviorist Ceasar Millan goes to from home to home helping dog owners fix their dog--no,no, not that "fix" kind. He is a not a dog castrationist; besides in the US even when you are a dog, you don't get your thing cut-off by simply misbehaving. By fix, I mean cure their dogs of their problematic behavior.

It was funny to see all those dogs giving their owners problems. There was one, a pit bull, who is just scared of anything (some good guard dog he is). Another, a chihuahua, bites anyone who goes near his man owner. My favorite one, a beagle, is quite a drag literally. He gets depressed all the time and that he just lays down and never moves. His owner has to drag or carry him just to get him anywhere.

For almost every case, the owners were thinking that they were in a hopeless situation. But as soon as Cesar comes in the picture he immediately gets results. Almost everyone were surprised by how easy it was for him to do it. And how easy it was what he did.

Cesar's method is very simple and is summarized as: be the pack leader. Oftentimes the problem is not the dog but the owner. And in the show, it can be seen that Ceasar is more often than not, fixing the owners than the animals. Dogs he say, are very simple creatures and that they need a leader to get them in control, or they will handle things themselves, the dog-eat-dog way. And so in the sessions that they were performing, Cesar was teaching the owners how to become leaders: how to be calm and dominant, confident, and in-control of the situation. He is showing them that dogs misbehave because the owners let them get away with it; and that if they want their dogs to be behaving better they need to let the animals know how things should be. The results are amazing: both the dogs and the owner really become better.

There is also one tenet in his show (which has caused some controversy resulting into criticism and even condemnation from organizations such as the American Humane Association): treat dogs as dogs. Which I whole-heartedly agree. Which of course doesn't mean I could maltreat a dog anytime I want. Dogs are wonderful animals, and very loyal, but to treat them almost to the point of being like human beings is just too much (dogs are almost like gods here!). Dogs and humans think differently, and that how you treat a human being should be different from how you treat a dog. In fact I want to take that tenet to a higher level: treat things the way they are (dogs, humans, situations, etc). The reason people never get past a problem is they do not see things the way those things should be seen.

In the show, I learned that dogs are similar to people (and vice versa). They also have insecurities, which often result to behaviors showing aggression, fear, or dominance. And that in general, they need a leader (in their case a "pack leader") who will make them calm, secure, and well behaved.

Cesar Millan's show is called the Dog Whisperer, but I think he is a people whisperer too. And the work he is doing is something worth doing, even though most of what he gets out of it are hugs from his female clients (which is awesome, since he has alot of celebrity clients. The hug he gave to Denise Richards in one episode seemed to be to be a split second longer than usual).

It's official. According to a generally biased test, men are cleverer than women. Hooray!

A new study found that men on average has 4 more IQ points than women, and therefore theoretically much (ok maybe not that much) smarter. Hoooraaayy! As to what that really means I have no clue, but it should be good news all the same. Vindication! Revenge! Justice! I know those things do not relate anything to the study but the occassion called for it. :P

IQ in general is a test designed to measure general intelligence, or so the experts say. It is not a complete test of intelligence, but rather a measurement of some form of mental ability that can be expressed in numbers between 50 and 200. Further reading would show that the test is generally biased towards men, especially of European descent. The fact the men were proven smarter by the test performed by men is a testament in itself; alot of men, especially against women, could not pull things off even when things are so much in their favor.

Women, knowing that they can never top a biased test designed against them, created their own biased test: EQ, or emotional quotient, test. And in that test, men after men, were shown to be heartless bastards that they have always been. But that is for another tale.

But what does IQ measure, really? What is general intelligence? Does having more help you make better decisions in life? Does it make you more prudent? Does it make you a better person?

Tales of mad scientists, lonely inventors, and impoverished geniuses make me think twice about its over-hyped absolute importance. Savants graduating college at 14 and dying at 21 just ruined it for me.


When I was younger, I have always thought that women in general are stupid (ladies, please forgive me; I was young and stupid). In my little chinky eyes I saw a perspective that many do share, though later in life I would admit unabsolute. Girls,ladies, women: they cry all the time even when crying does no good. They believe almost anything you tell them (like ghosts eating you, when ghosts in fact never go hungry. Or that you love them, when in fact you just want them to no longer be angry at you); and they never learn their lesson as can be attested by countless of impregnated women left behind to fend for themselves (another proof I guess that men are more clever).

My view of course drastically changed. Paying for a mortgage of a home, the color of which you don't even have a say in, is pretty stupid for me. Saying it is all because of love, is sound even worse.

Not that I would not be all of that someday. Men in general love being stupid, or anything else, for love.

Jealousy.

Jealousy.

It is a feeling, thought, or behaviour resulting from one's perception of a threat to his possession of something he or she values.


I just read today from an MSN article about jealousy. The author talked about his moments of being jealous, and how he ended up being silly and stupid. It was really funny, though still very informative in a way. In it he also mentioned about men being more jealous about sexual infidelity while women more on emotional infidelity.

Yeah. Why is that? Men in general (me included) quite become jealous over the possibility of someone I love/like/lust having sex with someone else. That's the first thing on my mind. Questions like the following immediately occupy and bug me: Did she kiss him? Did she hold hands with him? Did they have sex? In rare occassions does this question come to my mind first: Does she love him?

Men in general would rather have their women sexually faithful to them. It's not as important as their woman being in love with them or not. Wow we really are such bastards.

Women on the other hand are more concerned of whether their man love the other woman or not. So it is quite common to see women letting go over some indiscretion.

It is really that "Did you have sex with him?" vs "Do you love her?" question.

Women are such angels. But on the other hand, this is exactly the same kind of mentality that makes men very jealous. Oftentimes girls see things innocently (or make us men believe it so), like a kiss to a close friend that meant nothing, a dance that meant nothing, eye-to-eye contact that meant nothing..that "he's just a friend" and nothing more...and all those other things they tell us men that were simply nothing..that we are just too jealous sometimes. Ha! right! Sluts!!!

Oh God...I really am a disfunctional human being unsuitable for any serious relationship. Like most men are.

To kill a mockingbird

(I am writing this article upon the vehement request of the lone member of my blog readership. Oist trish! Wala na akong utang sa iyo. Hehehe)

"Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird"

The blue jay is a very common bird, and is often perceived as a bully and a pest, whereas mockingbirds do nothing but "sing their hearts out for us"

--Wikipedia

The end.

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Hehehe...kala ko makakalusot! (Heheheh...thought I can get away with it), Sige na nga! (Ok, fine, whatever!)


The "real" blog -- for reality is relative.

What kind of animal are you? I have been asked this amusing question once. As a guy I would have replied without thought "Walrus!". But I kept that to myself.

But come to think of it, people since time immemorial have been associating and comparing themselves to animals. There was a monk who considered himself to somewhat like an eagle, since he has such a strong grip. There was a farmer who thought he is similar to a monkey, because aside from looking like one he can climb trees very fast. Bruce Lee was associated with a dragon, Jacky Chan with a Snake, Jet Li with a Crane. Ok so my examples come from chinese martial arts movies, heheheh. But you have to admit, kung-fu movies with funny english dubs rock!

what kind of animal am I? Maybe I am a pig, because pigs are smart and sensitive creatures. Or a dog, because I am loyal, sophisticated, and besought by women (naks!). Or a horse, because of my long...and wide...view of the world. God I am such an animal.

But seriously, what kind of animal am I? This question came back to me, when this girl (she is single by the way and I have her number...the sister is mine :P) mentioned that she feels like she is a mockingbird.

Mockingbirds, for those such as myself who have not read the book To Kill a Mockingbird , are such innocent ang gentle creatures. People oppress them even though they do nothing but good. Sure. That's what the book says.

But really, doesn't anyone suspect the word "mocking" in mockingbird? How could such an abhorring name (OMG!) be given to such magnificent beings. Injustice! Conspiracy! Speciest! (well there's a word called "racist"). Sure. And then I saw this in my favorite encyclopedia:

Mockingbirds are a group of New World passerine birds best known for the habit of some species of mimicking the songs of other birds, often loudly and in rapid succession.

No wonder! They were mocking their fellow birds!

I feel sorry for my friend (who I repeat is single, come on guys!) for associating herself with such a desipicable creature. Mockingbirds should be killed! Every last one of them! Hehehehe...peace trish.

Besides, I think you're more of a dove. (bawi ba? :) )

The Law of Equivalent Trade

I have, for a couple of weeks now, been doing a movie marathon of the Full Metal Alchemist -- arguably one of the greatest animes of all time (or at least, that I have ever seen. Sorry Ichigo and Naruto). The story revolves on the concept of Equivalent Trade, where one could not gain anything without sacrificing something of equivalent value. It is an absolute concept, an ultimate law that binds all aspects of alchemy. To create something, you need a source for it, using alchemy to transform one thing to another. Of course this was not meticulusly observed in the series -- the fight scenes would have been very boring had they been transformed into a physics tutorial. There was a twist however, that being the Law of Equivalent Trade may be disregarded through the use of the Philosopher's Stone -- an object of an almost infinite source of power where the normal rules of alchemy are bent and twisted. In the end however, it was realized that even the Philosopher's stone observe the Law of Equivalent Trade, due to the fact that to create the stone a great price is needed to be paid.

The story of the anime was really capturing, a true metaphor of our perpetual engagement of our daily lives. Everyday we make countless "trades", pursuing one thing while sacrificing another, regardless of whether this fact is something we have noticed or not. Everyday, when I choose to eat more than I am morally entitled to, I gain a subjectively good amount of "happiness" and satisfaction in exchange for the oppurtunity to be healthy. When I choose to daydream, I exchange a good amount of what could have been productive time to countless enjoyable moments of pure fantasy. I have sacrificed my future oppurtunity to be a great movie star and a matinee idol in exchange for a really juicy medium rare 100% angus beef which I am not sure of whether it is infected with mad cow disease or not. These are the choices I made, the trades I bargained, for which I am now in deep misery...an equivalent trade for the pleasures that I have gained.

There is a limit to everything. Though I think that the limit varies from person to person, this fact is absolute. There is a limit to happiness and sadness, riches and poverty, fame and shame. It is how we manipulate them that determines our happiness, or at the very least our satisfaction. In order to be happy somehow you need to be sad, through sacrifice...and to show off your ability to handle your sadness to girls...which of course once they notice they will come to soothe your pain and ease all the misery that you've been in (heheh...works for me all the time, except that the girls are usually either middle-aged guidance counselors or very scary HR personnels)

When I was young, I endured much pain and suffering that can be caused by poverty. God it is so hard to get a girl to like you as more than a friend when she is doing charity for you too (charity in grade school and high school meant lending me her books, giving me paper during tests, and sharing me her unfinished Coke -- thank God she was onto the diet craze early in life). I told myself that I will do whatever I can in my power to never be able to go back the situation that I was in.

But now I realize, unless I want to live a life of complete mediocrity I really am someday gonna be poor again. Some people would argue that it all depends on your planning, but then I answer that life is full of unplanned events -- wars happen (damn it Iran and North Korea!), landslides occur, grandchildren appearing out of nowhere. And I would need a good amount of money for my gastric bypass sugery by the time I am 40. Plus the viagra supplements I would need once I am 90 (hell yeah I still plan to have sex at that age!).

Well anyways, I was merely tranforming my idle time into a non-sensical blog. Have to go to lunch. God, I really need to stop eating much. I am trading the girl of my dreams for a fat juicy pig.

Fireworks

The 4th of July is fastly approaching and everyone in the US is anticipating the day of independence, and more importantly (truth be told) of fireworks, the really good sales on the mall, and the long weekend away from work. Though whether the "real" essence of the occassion is lost to most people or not, the celebration and the preparation thereof has been grander than ever. It is known that people tend to take for granted what has always been there, most of what was there, and some of what might be there; the exception it seems has always been the want to have fun.

Fireworks are one of the most wonderful and most beautiful inventions man has ever created. And though some have transformed them into more dangerous things, that has not made me lose my pleasure on those that turn the sky a myriad of colors, beautifully progressing in perfect sequence, flickering like millions of stars against the darkness of the night.

Life, for those who have lived it like I did, is often a pretty boring engagement. And to be able to bear the burden one goes to sleep and dream of better things. Or watch fireworks. One like me can spend, and willingly so, his life just watching fireworks.

The best fireworks display I have ever seen was the one I saw last Dec. The midnight silence was suddenly broken, and as if by magic, the sky was alit with a thousand colors, streaks of lightning gently placed by deft hands painting on a canvass of darkness, all done in celebration of the coming new year. And though the world rumbled from the echoes of the succeeding thunder, I heard nothing but silence, purely mesmerized at the reflections of light...coming from her eyes. One can spend, and willingly so, his life just watching fireworks.

As I wait, I presume that the 4th of July display will most probably be grander, but it will never be more significant.

So close to where I've always wanted to be

Elliot Yamin of American Idol said in his parting video something like knowing what he was born to do, but not knowing how to get there, and that when suddenly things start to happen, it's just an amazing feeling.

It was the same feeling I have always had in seeing NASA. And yesterday, it was all happening, and it was oh so great.

Yesterday was the second day of NASA-JPL's annual open-house, where which they open their facility to the public to showcase their achievements for the past year or so. The event showcased some of the recent successful projects such as the MRO, and the somewhat older ones like the Mars Rovers. It also featured some of the current research being done at NASA, such as the aerogel, thermoelectricity, and robotics.

Oh it was oh so good. It felt like my kind of heaven, being so near to all those advancements in the human endeavor to scientific research and exploration. I was so close to the things I have always dreamt I was meant to do.

When I was younger, I was always fascinated with the stars and the cosmos that engulfs it (ok at first I was into getting filthy rich, but an Isaac Asimov book about stars and galaxies greatly changed my perspective). There were days I spent dreaming of intergalactic travel, sightseeing on Mars, developing better propulsion mechanisms. And being young then, I had believed that dreams can come true, if you only try hard enough for them.

But as Elliot has mentioned, the question has always been how to get there. I've figured that I should try hard to become great at math, science, and sex education (heheh..ok let me get away with this...what i meant was asexual reproductive cycles of microorganisms isolated in pristine non-growth conducive methane rich...ok ok..let's carry on). I've also figured that I would just have to apply a scholarship or something in some US university, excel academically, and then somehow get noticed by one of the braniacs that work at NASA. I've figured a lot of things...including the fact the maybe I might never even get to see the US.

I've always been a pessimist all my life. I don't know why, but somehow my brain got wired so wrong that I could be such a pathetic prick. I always seem to let things get the better out of me, easily, even when things should overwhelmingly have gone my way. And so, I have decided to let go this dream..and settled for more realistic things. And so I have decided to forget math, let go of science, but everyone who has been passionate about something knows that the dream does not die easily. I have somehow kept the sex education research just to keep that childhood fire alive.

It is an amazing feeling when you get what you have always wanted. It is even a more amazing feeling to suddenly find yourself, without even trying, that suddenly you are where you have always thought impossible to be in. I mean, WOW! As I went around the facility, I was awestruck with childish wonder at the things that were laid in front of me. I knew right then that yesterday, is a day I will always keep with me forever.

I have decided to pursue the dream again. It's a long term goal, a plan which will encompass about at least a decade as long as I keep strict to schedule. Most NASA missions took a very long time by the way to fruition, so I know that things you sacrifice so much for give back greatly if you are patient about it. Or not, but one has to try. One does not give up eating for the risk of choking, or space research for...errrr...whatever.

Better start going back to those math and science books. FHM and playboy, I am grateful to have never let go of. Hehehe

Romantic Creatures

Romantic Creatures.

There was this feature in Discovery Channel two years ago about spiders. It focused mostly on the mating season where which the male spiders become eaten after copulation. What I found to be funny about the feature is that the narrator said this: "His sacrifice ensures the continuity of his species for generations to come". It was funny because I really don't think the male spider saw it that way. Maybe he said: Oh, hello there spider girl...I'm here to save the species so if you don't mind let's get it on. But most likely he was simply one unlucky horny bastard.

The act is quite striking once you see the similarities in human behaviour. When one sees men leave professions, let go of dreams, or even die for the sake of women, one might begin to wonder if all males in the world be it of any specie are simply horny bastards. Ok the joke has run its course so let me ask this instead: are men really by design created to live or die according to the whims of women?

Rational creatures that we are, we have come up with terms and philosophies that make us want to charge to our doom with flowery speeches and chivalrous cries. Women have made that prospect even look nicer by inventing the words such as romantic or sweet or what-cha-ever-maka-call-its that we have become conditioned to want to hear.

O he died for me? He's so romantic. Thank you for doing this, that's so nice of you. You're such a man! (ergo, stupid?)

The Great Wall fell not because of Genghis Khan's hordes but of the tears of a beautiful courtesan. Samson lost his strength to the pretty smiles of a whore. A great Roman general fell because of Cleopatra.

Now to all the ladies reading this blog, it is not my intention to put the fair sex in a bad light. In fairness, the world has also been a better place because of you. This blog is about guys giving their all to the women (whether good or bad) they loved (lusted, obsessed, adored...what-cha-ever-maka-call-it). Now to continue...

Guys, why are we really doing this? Why is it that most of us buy into the idea of being incomplete without someone to share our lives with? And if we do have someone to share our lives with, why do we have to want to have sex with them as well? Why is it that nothing else matters but loving this person, or for the somewhat lucky unlucky horny bastards -- persons?

Why?

Let's try to keep it real this time.

The reason: we want to save the darn species.

In the words of Randy Jackson, keep it real dawg! (or spider)

Anyways, I have discovered a new pick up line. Not that it would finally work this time.

If I Die Tomorrow

The qoute "Live as if you would die tomorrow" is without a doubt one of the most popular quotes of all time. The logic being that one should not waste life away, and that one should live it to the fullest. Of course most of us know that this quote actually has alot of flaws in it. The major one being, is the great disregard for the concept of "delay of gratification".

If I somehow knew I were truly going to die tomorrow, I most certainly would do the following:

1. Eat all the chocolates I can eat
2. Request charity sex from every beautiful girl who comes my way
3. If item number 2 does not work, try paying for it
4. Use up all of my credit cards' limits (heheh)
5. Drink myself into purgatory

And I am not totally kidding too.

I believe that life is long enough to enjoy, yet short to easily waste. We are given with alot of chances..to try..to fail and to succeed..to change. Surely one must understand that this experience is perhaps never to repeat again, and to utilize it one must find ways to grow..to build..and to create. Acts or philosophies of desperation just doesn't cut it.

One should live life as if he is to live again tomorrow. Or more accurately, one must live wanting to live again tomorrow, fully knowing that he has to face the consequences of his actions at the same time going to enjoy the rewards of his toils. There are moments to enjoy, and moments to savor...but the good life is mostly based on the concept of planning and holding-out for better things.

Hmmmm...perhaps I should really start hitting the gym everyday...the reward of course would be to radically increase the success rate of item number 2.

Hehehe.

Fear

Fear.

Yesterday, I went to Knott's Berry Farm and got on some of the wildest coaster rides that ever existed.

There was the Silver bullet which seems like a flyer/coaster...

the Xtreme rocket which has an almost 90 degree fall..

the Free fall which drops you 200 ft above the ground...




Ok clearly I was enjoying this pic...I'm sorry but I can't help showing the pic around..hahah


Eto pa!



Man it was a great day. And also a great day for experiment. I theorized that if only I condition my mind enough I would not feel fear. The logic being that if you know that you will be safe then there is no sense to be afraid. Ergo, stupid.

It was almost a success too. You see, fear is such a sneaky backstabbing bastard that strikes when you least expected it. It has the ability to remove logic for a split second which is more than enough to give you a heart attack.

Speaking of which, I remember reading this quote inside a military base while I was training for the Red Cross: Fear is a sign of ignorance .

This quote has gotten me curious, and it stuck on me ever since.

Often I find myself deeply engrossed in self-debate on the premise, arguing and counter arguing on the pros and cons of the matter -- in the comfort of course of my beloved toilet seat. Sometimes the pro in me wins, sometimes the cons dominate, the battle tough and enduring inside the crazy battlefield that is my morbidly lunatic mind.

It makes sense at first you know. I mean, before I was very afraid of taking a look at Playboy because I thought a lightning would hit me or something. But later on I "found out" that it won't happen...I mean how come a Playboy patron would be hit by lightning but people who massacre children will not (btw the Jessica Alba issue I've heard is really hot)

After some time I have come to conclude that it is not ignorance but rather a lack of acceptance to experience that feeds fear.

For example, I know that being hit by a truck on a freeway would most likely kill me...or worse I would survive and become maimed for life. Now that is really scary! I don't want to experience that. And in that fear I know that I would never want to play chicken cross the road with a raging truck.
Another, when I was younger I didn't know what fire is and so was not afraid of it. Then somehow I was hit with a really innovative idea of glowing cats. The formula was really simple, fire + cat tail = glowing cats. Uhuh...needless to say the experiment was scratchy (literally)..and now I am afraid to invent ever again.

Fear is born not out of ignorance, but rather of unwillingness.

Gee..saying that make it sound fear is bad. And then the memories start to kick in (chicken! bwakbwakbwak...man you don't have balls! Show some spine idiot!). Again I digress.
I really think, like most things..fear has a purpose and a benefit. It is one of the greatest survival tools ever invented. Hello asskissers and horror film producers!

oooopps...my break is about to be over and my boss will kill me. I am most certainly afraid of that..hehe..anyways the real purpose of this blog is to show off the pic of me with a proverbially beautiful girl. Eat your hearts out!!!!!

The ultimate postulate

The world is filled with men loved by women whom they don't deserve.


During the height of idealism I was so caught with idea of "giving the girl what she deserves". Time after time I have been letting pass all those girls who each have become special at some point in my life; because I have always felt that I was not worthy of them. And that they deserve something more. And that I can't offer them who I am because I was always lacking.

It was so true.

I have lived on this premise diligently, but there were times when I couldn't help myself. There were times when I caved in and asked the girl to be mine anyway. After I have played this line of thinking of course -- which makes the girl confused. Some had said that they liked me in the beginning but have already conditioned themselves to be just a friend to me because they thought that's all they were to me. Of course, there were those who have always considered me to be just a friend.

Hai. I am broken hearted lately as my heart has once again caved in. And so after some weeks of thinking, I have finally decided to let the girl know. And so let her know I did.

It didn't turn out well.

The sad thing is I really don't know if there was something to begin with, or if only I had let my imagination go to far. Well, I guess I wanted to let her know anyway regardless of what she feels for me. So I am somewhat happy beyond the bitterness that I now feel.

But of course, no matter how positive you take a look at it..it's still different when things had turn out for the better.

I guess my only regret is that I have not been fully honest with my feelings from the start. Looking back I realize that I would have had less things to be sorry about had I been acting truly the way I feel from the beginning.

Sure, perhaps it wouldn't have changed the outcome. But it would have changed somewhat how I am feeling now.

As what I have mentioned before..sometimes the truth scares us that we settle for a pretense.

I won't do that ever again. I promise to be braver from now on. Be more honest..and be less idealistic.

The world is filled with wonderful women who will love you for who you are no matter what. I guess I am just
waiting for the one who will make her unfortunate mistake on me. I wish her all the best of bad luck.

Hehehe.

Life, bring it on!!

Truly in love?

Lately I have been losing quite alot of sleep..and sanity over this girl. I've been thinking alot. Am I really in love with her? Is my love real? Am I good enough?

I dunno..it's just that she makes me smile alot. Makes me happy alot (I spent the new year with her at her house).

Everytime she smiles I am happy. And thoughts cloud my mind...thoughts..dreams of being the one who makes her happy.

But there are times I feel confused. Am I someone more than a friend to her? Or she is just one of those really wonderful kind of girls who are naturally sweet and kind.

There are times when she ignores me. And that makes me feel as though I am just a plain friend. Garrrrrgg. This is so confusing.

Why don't you ask her?

Yeah I will. I'm just waiting for the perfect time to be rejected. Or be wonderfully surprised. Wish me luck

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.