I have turned 32 recently. 32 is a magic number in Philippine culture signifying one as being "lampas na ng kalendaryo" (having exceeded the calendar -- since there is only a maximum of 31 days in a month) -- a euphemism for "being old". And I have to admit it, I do feel old sometimes.
When does a man become old? A common argument from us self-confessed philosophical types is that age is more of a mental state than a physical one. It is a nice concept, for while one cannot prevent the progress of the years, it is somewhat possible for one to manipulate his views such that he can "think" and "feel" young. And to some degree it is true. One can see anecdotes of people who seem to have never lost the fire in their hearts and the glow in their smiles. While at the same time, one can find people who seem to have aged too young -- their youth sapped away by the burden and responsibilities (both real and imagined) brought to them by life.
Aber trotzdem (yay I've inserted a German phrase here), one cannot deny that the age brought by time is concretely real as well. Our joints become a little squeaky, our muscles more stiff, our eyes blurrier, our reflexes slower. And while you feel all the degeneration your body is going through, you start to picture out how how things can only get worse -- lesser control of bowel movements, dementia, disability...and ultimately, death.
And perhaps that is why age for a lot of people manifest a terrible symptom called fear. We've seen it, more so when we were young. How some, greatly overcome by the fact that time is running out and there is much lesser room for mistakes, have become frozen in place.
32...and based on how things look, I have essentially crossed the midpoint of my life. And I have started to develop my own set of fears. I have crossed half my life, and see how so little of my dreams have yet to be accomplished. I am often lost in thought thinking of how I can protect the future of my family, while at the same time seeing the prime of my mental and physical strength slowly decay away into middle age. Sometimes I feel lost on what I am supposed to do. Stuck in thought about how my decisions will pave the way to my grand plans. Stuck sometimes about what to decide. I am frozen in place.
Oh wait...I have let my fears control me again. It's interesting, than when dealing with the uncertainty named "the future" I choose to despair. In my youth, tomorrow is a day I cannot wait to come. But now I try to prolong today and wish that tomorrow never arrive. And yet the variables have remained -- of how in the blink of an eye a life can drastically change for the better or for the worse. But the constants have increased -- knowledge, relationships (a little in my case as I have a lifelong problem of keeping friendships), experience...the all encompassing etc.
Even though I have more to lose, I have a much better capacity to regain.
With these thoughts there's only one satisfactory conclusion: I need to decide everyday to be a less fearful old man.
