Stop being seduced by what ifs

I remember this scene in Full Metal Alchemist where they burned their house down -- it was so they can give all their focus to what they wanted to do. As there's no chance of turning back.

I remembered thinking it silly then; I mean they could have rented it to others and have some spare money for snacks and occasional steak dinners...anyways...

I know now that in some life choices having your back against the wall, where you have no other choice but to confront your fears and to have your survival instincts kick in, helps immensely.
I understand now why soldiers of old are ordered to break their pots, or explorers to burn down their ships. So that then there's no other path but forward.

Once you've chosen and entered some doors, other paths have become irrevocably closed to you -- the important thing to realize is that it is okay, and it is how it is. Having no way to back out helps clear your mind on the other hand. The seduction of what-ifs corrupts reality so rabidly.

#randomthoughts borne out of this really warm weather. Anyways tomorrow is the summer solstice so got to prepare the warlock clothes and ritual sacrifices. As the nights will be darker each day after that. Mwahahaha 👹 Of course that was a joke (now a required disclaimer in teh Internets)

Nothing sinister, just Math.

A reminder to myself.

Those fictional monsters we create in our minds often hurt us more than the dangers of which they were borne.  Fearfulness and worrisomeness, we pay a high price for them from our sanity, and yet all they do is steal our joy and sap our strength.  Sometimes we realize that the poison damaging our thoughts came from the same cup we poured onto ourselves.

The future is unknown, and could be full of danger and frustration.  But we forget that we can be strong when we need to, sometimes stronger than what we thought is possible, and for that reason we can face and overcome any struggle we might encounter.

There is no need to fear.  We should spend our thoughts instead on what makes us happy.

On Reading Leo Tolstoy's works

Leo Tolstoy's books are great, but not in the way those similarly sized tomes coming from the fantasy genre (my favorites are Brandon Sanderson's, Robert Jordan's, and George R.R. Martin's) where it's hard to put those down once you have started reading them. His books on the other hand are in the "must put down and think" kind of good category. Always, I get myself immersed deeply in my thoughts after just reading a few pages. And then I would avoid his books for several weeks or months because sometimes it can be very stressful the thoughts his writings make me entertain, thoughts that sometimes go directly against my pre-conceived notions and upbringing -- any book that makes you think really hard is good!

While I can finish those fantasy books in 3-7 nights (even the 1000+ page novels), I for example have been reading Anna Karenina for 8 years already and I'm only half-way through. Reading War and Peace took 5 years. And yet oh how I loved these books I've mentioned.

The years have quite piled on and there are still so many classic novels to read in my lifetime reading queue. I guess in the analogy of a marathon, I hope once I get over this Tolstoy hill things would be a lot easier. But actually I don't know if I am on a hill or if I am still running on a plain.

So back to my e-book reader (btw: most classical works are free since the copyright expired) and see what Tolstoy with his arrangement of words, and thoughts, will spark in my mind this time.

Economists/Businessmen and politicians will be the sole saviors of the world they themselves have ruined.

Just some spontaneous philosophical thoughts on a rainy Sunday evening:

It's not always an engineering problem.

For example: extreme hunger still exists in the world today not because we as a whole are not producing enough food (I have personally seen the wastefulness in food in rich countries) , but that the production and distribution of food is very disparate between the first and third world countries.  Factor in war, corruption in government and corporations, and highly inequitable trade agreements between countries, and one will realize we will always have a huge population of the world go hungry no matter how smart we would have become at producing food.

The best answers to our worldly problems can only come from good politics and more favorable trading environments for the less wealthy (I am looking at you middle men of coffee and cacao beans especially!  And also, High Frequency Traders --  you are just gaming the system.)

Economists/Businessmen and politicians will be  the sole saviors of the world their fellows (or even they themselves) have ruined.

And somehow that pisses me off.  I should run for President or something -- but again, this is also not an engineering problem.

The Quest of Heroes

She smiled as she stabbed at my vein and slowly drained the blood out of my body. I knew this would happen, but I was still surprised at the weakness slowly overcoming me. Just like in George R.R. Martin's novel, being offered food beforehand was no guarantee of sanctuary. In fact it was the prelude to this sanguine ritual only a few ever partake -- too few in fact. But I am myself to blame, for I chose to do it without regard of the risks. After a few minutes it was over. The blood, the life force, taken out of me is now stored in an arcane vial by these vampires (but more like Twighlight vampires than Underworld vampires) residing in this mystical cabal called the Deutsches Rotes Kreuz -- a very scary name if you don't understand it, I know. I thought it was finished but actually the danger was about to escalate, as I in my weakened state was led to a feast where nice-looking, smiling, aged creatures who resemble like grandmothers stuff you with all varieties of food. After my 3rd soup, and countless waffles, I managed to stagger out of the nightmarish cathedral of sorts, bloodied but overall alive. After a few steps I managed to smile; I've survived yet again the Ritual of Saving Lives or as some call it -- the Quest of Heroes.

Heheh :P

Less dramatic: For those of you who haven't donated blood yet but can, I encourage you to do so. Especially the ones who have Rhesus negative blood. You just might save a life. At the very least, you get free food :D

The fears of old men

I have turned 32 recently.  32 is a magic number in Philippine culture signifying one as being "lampas na ng kalendaryo" (having exceeded the calendar -- since there is only a maximum of 31 days in a month) -- a euphemism  for "being old".  And I have to admit it, I do feel old sometimes.

When does a man become old?  A common argument from us self-confessed philosophical types is that age is more of a mental state than a physical one.  It is a nice concept, for while one cannot prevent the progress of the years, it is somewhat possible for one to manipulate his views such that he can "think" and "feel" young.  And to some degree it is true.  One can see anecdotes of people who seem to have never lost the fire in their hearts and the glow in their smiles.   While at the same time, one can find people who seem to have aged too young -- their youth sapped away by the burden and responsibilities (both real and imagined) brought to them by life.
Aber trotzdem (yay I've inserted a German phrase here), one cannot deny that the age brought by time is concretely real as well.  Our joints become a little squeaky, our muscles more stiff, our eyes blurrier, our reflexes slower.   And while you feel all the degeneration your body is going through, you start to picture out how how things can only get worse -- lesser control of bowel movements, dementia, disability...and ultimately, death.

And perhaps that is why age for a lot of people manifest a terrible symptom called fear.  We've seen it, more so when we were young.  How some, greatly overcome by the fact that time is running out and there is much lesser room for mistakes, have become frozen in place.

32...and based on how things look, I have essentially crossed the midpoint of my life.  And I have started to develop my own set of fears.  I have crossed half my life, and see how so little of my dreams have yet to be accomplished.  I am often lost in thought thinking of how I can protect the future of my family, while at the same time seeing the prime of my mental and physical strength slowly decay away into middle age.  Sometimes I feel lost on what I am supposed to do.  Stuck in thought about how my decisions will pave the way to my grand plans.  Stuck sometimes about what to decide.  I am frozen in place.

Oh wait...I have let my fears control me again.  It's interesting, than when dealing with the uncertainty named "the future" I choose to despair.  In my youth, tomorrow is a day I cannot wait to come.  But now I try to prolong today and wish that tomorrow never arrive.  And yet the variables have remained -- of how in the blink of an eye a life can drastically change for the better or for the worse.  But the constants have increased -- knowledge, relationships (a little in my case as I have a lifelong problem of keeping friendships), experience...the all encompassing etc.
Even though I have more to lose, I have a much better capacity to regain.

With these thoughts there's only one satisfactory conclusion: I need to decide everyday to be a less fearful old man.

The man called Cracked Skull

"Be careful, he may be crazy but he can fight!" yelled the leader of the squad of the King's Shadows.

The man in tattered robes carrying a heavy war hammer on his shoulder laughed at hearing the word crazy.  He seemed like a child giddy with a secret only he knows.  To the squad leader, he did seem like someone with a child's mind.

The squad leader frowned, and slowly he transitioned into a guarded stance as his squad slowly encircles the man called Cracked Skull.  The squad leader did not seem afraid, but he did look cautious.  Ordered by the King himself, he was to hunt down the Heretics.  He asked himself now, if someone crazy can really be guilty of heresy.  Then again, anybody who does not conform to established beliefs is considered crazy, or worse, dangerous.  Heretics, the Priest King commanded, must be educated in divine wisdom.  The Captain, as the squad leader is known, finds it ironic that most of the education done was with the sword; and that the divine needs help from dirtied hands.  Yet he obeys, in the hope of ending this ravaging war started by people who claim, without compromise, that they are in the right.  Those people all belonged on his side.

The man called Cracked Skull laughed again.  He started coughing as he tried to stifle the laughter that seem to involuntarily come out of his mouth.  The laughter came out still, and when he clamped his mouth with his huge hands, the laughter came out below his body transformed as a long tooting sound so embarrassingly out of place in the current situation.  The man laughed so hard again while slowly his glassy eyes turned sharp with malice.

Time stopped.  No time just slowed.  But time is just a concept -- it does not exist.  And yet, time passes.

The Captain saw two of his men fall down, unable as they were to dodge the hammer swings of the man called Cracked Skull.  Elite warriors his men where, but it is as if they don't understand how the weapon comes.  Their quarry did not seem to move faster; in fact he saw everything in slow motion.  While his men's moves were confused, the man in tattered robes planted solid strikes to another three of his men.

The Captain was befuddled.  But then he understood as he smelled the putrid air suffocating the hall that was the battlefield.  There is no reality.  Only perception.  And something is causing him and his men to perceive the man's moves incorrectly.  Time is a concept of the mind, so it is not time that slowed down.  He can only conclude that his mind has sped up, and he is not accustomed to it.

The Captain woke himself from his philosophical stupor, as he saw the tip of the war hammer angle his way.  He executed the parry that will deflect the blow.  He watched in excruciatingly slow motion the hammer falling down, while his body moved along with the flow of his sword.  It took forever, but the hammer missed him; and his sword was already sluggardly moving to his opponent in what would have been a masterful counterattack.  But he was not a master of slow motion sword fighting.  Not yet anyway.  And basing on how the fight is going, perhaps never will be.

The man called Cracked Skull was nearly disemboweled with the Captain's sword.  But he was able to break his shock and side step the stab aimed at his guts.  Nobody was able to react like this to his assault before.  Did the Captain know of my secret? Looking at the man who almost killed him, he realized that his opponent didn't.  But for certain, he was figured out now.  Feeling for the first time in a long time that he is in danger, he quickly finished the rest of the King's Shadows before again facing the man one-on-one.

The Captain was standing alone.  And after a few but very long moments in his drugged state, he was lying in a pool of his own blood.  His new knowledge did not beget him mastery.  And in this fight, unfair as it was, he was the novice.  He looked into the Cracked Skull's eyes and was surprised to see... respect.  And sanity.  He saw the man walking away, confused that he was left alive.  

The Captain closed his eyes and meditated himself to deep rest.  He is tired, but he has more battles left to fight.  And some questions to ask of himself.

Goodbye Chris.

Perhaps the most important thing I have learned over the years is to be thankful.  Oftentimes I used to feel so self-important or so self-righteous that I concentrate more on being butt hurt for oh so many little nonsensical or unimportant things.  Imperfections dashed against my unrealistic ideals clouded my view -- my understanding of the surrounding beauty that is life which was in fact accentuated and not diminished by the fallibility that is part of humanity.

A nice person died today, and had I learned my lesson much earlier I probably would have known him a lot better.  And though familiarity sometimes breeds contempt, I really think we could have been good friends.   He could have been my friend instead of being just an acquaintance who somehow in the randomness that is life has become a significant even though distant part of mine.

So I just would like to say thank you Chris; meeting you have made me learned a lot of things about myself.  Made me realize a lot of my behavior and indirectly made me improve it.
And thank you for what you have done for my mother and my brothers.  For welcoming them and teaching them some about life.

From the bottom of my heart, "Thank you!"

Too late I know, and the words written here are perhaps more for my own sake than anyone else's.  All I can do now is pay it forward by being genuinely nice and helpful to the people around me -- and part of it is simply because, to us, you were.

R.I.P.  Christopher Dower 2013.

Proposing an experiment

Crazy/evil/stupid/angry/etc people kill people -- but with MUCH GREATER EFFECTIVITY and EFFICIENCY when they do it with GUNS. Unless you have a pen that shoots bullets or lasers (wow I want on...oh squirrel!!), I volunteer, in the spirit of theory experimentation, to stand 10 feet in front of you have you point your mightier-than-the-sword pen at me and kill me without approaching me thus demonstrating that there's no need or sense to limit who can have access to guns and as to which type of guns they can have access to (those with Death Notes, scientists who can conjure mini black holes, and assassins who can throw pens with deadly speed and accuracy not allowed in this experiment). I think I got my crazy stupid cowardly ass covered, but if you still managed to...man that would be something to see before the world ends.

Of cavemen present, future, and past

Musing back on Plato's allegory of the cave, my thoughts have been reflecting round this old realization that truths beyond some human society's current capacity, willingness, or ability to perceive are irrelevant and the exercise of "educating" a many of these ultimately futile.
Many a man, enlightened by discoveries of new truths -- nay, by the curtain unveiling of more dimensions of the ever existing universal facts, has been deemed a lunatic or worse branded a heretic for speaking of things most are not yet ready to hear.

Society has only ever moved forward on any issue (the earth being round, "witchcraft", abolition of slavery, women's rights, etc)  when finally more and more people are seeing/perceiving in the same context the things discovered; when the "lunatics" have achieve a critical amount of mindshare and are starting to threaten things that are currently accepted as "normal".
For society to continue progressing, it is better then that we learn not knowledge per se but the ability to perceive, understand and accept new information while distinguishing falsehoods in between.  More than anything else, what must be taught and practiced is razor sharp, uncompromising, and if necessary "blasphemous" (er, ok "Galilean-Copernican era") application of critical thinking.

Enacting anti-blasphemy laws, as being proposed to the UN, even if well intentioned discriminates the truth.  It will instead protect falsehoods, proclaimed as dogmas by those who benefit, from scrutiny and rebuke.  It, as in Plato's allegory, will put a chain on our necks and orient us to a wall of shadows that will become the only source of what which will define our perceived reality.

The modern world and it's 27+ million slaves.

Any modern self-styled philosopher (all philosophers are self-styled) has at one time or another tackled the question about freedom. Are we really free? What is true freedom? Where does it begin and end? In the course of this exercise one may have dealt with concepts such as bondage thru desire ("We are enslaved by our wants"), or mental slavery through dogma ("Religion is like opium"), or entanglement based on our fears ("What's between you and success is fear").

 I for one have never really considered on the literal concept of slavery. In the age of social media where the world is highly interconnected, it is hard to conceptualize the idea of how in a world with so much freedom real slavery still exists. One immersed in a free and liberating environment such as the Internet can completely be oblivious to the fact that there are areas in the world where people lack basic freedom; that there in the fringes of modern society real affliction against basic human dignity is inflicted by those who cannot fight back.

As human beings we should disdain slavery; nay, we should be angry! Angry that such a situation exists. Angry that people are enslaving fellow people for the sake of profit. Slavery's eradication from our society is something each and every one of us should actively pursue. Take action!


Below is the Ted video that brought this topic to my attention:
Another video about the topic:

Rant Friday.

People prefer to say quotable phrases with artfully stretched truths (i.e. subtle lies). Wit is more valuable than honesty. Humor more appealing than frankness. Most claim they prefer the truth, but not really...they just want you to quote them on that.

So how about we get over it already and be more honest with ourselves?

Bill Gates and Steve Jobs

The greater part of the generation of my circle of the world was dominated by two figures:
Steve Jobs and Bill Gates.

Steve Jobs' story is something you could get from an epic fantasy novel depicting the tale of a small hero taking on the Goliaths of his time, and succeeded. And himself turn into an antagonist and was dramatically taken down. As the hero he will embark on a quest of self-discovery and a mere 10 years later he is once again riding on top of the world and will do so ever since.
His story is dramatic in part to the way he tells it...arrogant but alluring which makes him both well-hated and well-loved.

Bill Gates' story some would say is a boring management book. There were some questions to the ethics by which he achieved things -- by employing methods well accepted in business but abhorred when you are very good at it. His story was plain boring and his rise to the top was methodical and straight forward. Almost everybody who never achieved what he has hated him -- although deep inside it was a manifestation of envy for who does not want success?

Over 3 decades since they have started, it still amazes me how much their impact is in our world today. Steve Jobs' second act was magical and he seems to conjure magical products all the time.

Bill Gates seems to be more low key since focusing on the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation -- but is solving some key human problems that no iPhone could (okay..maybe there's an app "Save the world" that I don't know of). The foundation's research into solving hunger, diseases, and education are very appealing and noble efforts that are changing the world every day also.

The Khan Academy (http://www.khanacademy.org) that he is supporting seems to be one of the great best things that happened to human civilization from my point of view.
Of course I have to dramatize for Bill since he presents it and his life in a very boring manner.

Amazing how these two men have achieved and contributed so much. I wonder how they will be looked at 100 years from now -- I hope on the same pedestal as Einstein, Edison, and Pamela Anderson (who stole my innocence and youth!)

QR-Code Haiku 1

I've always wanted to write Haikus in QR-Code

Sleep over it

When I was younger I gave a premium to sleeping well; because I wanted to be smart...hold on let me explain. There was this book entitled "Doctors" written by Erich Segal telling the individual stories of a group of...well...doctors. The smartest one was "Seth" who does not do overnight studies. He sleeps early on the day before the exam. Or on any day at all.

Now you may be asking, "You're following an idea based on a fictional book?" Hey, just because something was present in fiction literature doesn't mean the idea in itself is fictional. It's not like you can re-write all the rules -- even in fiction soda is still not beer, and the sun still rises in the east. Of course there are fiction that re-write a lot of rules, but this book was not one of those. But now we are starting to digress, so just let it go...

I've been losing sleep anyway starting from college as I try to uphold to programmer/hacker persona. Plus it is easier to program when nobody is at your back able to watch you while you do your porn break. Plus the chicks are online in irc only at night (mirc was the facebook back then).

But whenever I face a very tough problem, my body somehow just auto shuts down and I become very sleepy regularly. Now some might argue it was depression but I think it was because my brain just wanted to concentrate on the problem and did not need the distractions of this thing called...life.

And I always solve the problems after getting several hours of sleep. It's like studying unconsciously. (Side note: People sleeping around I guess were not horny, they just were just doing group study. I wish I was such a studious person.)

There must be really something into dreaming. Which was why King Solomon (let's stop the debate for a moment whether he and his line was fictional or not) went for a dream.

Just last night I've once again discovered the solution to a software design problem; in my sleep. Previous times I've solved programming problems, come up with decryption algorithms, figure out a video game puzzle, heck even discover the key Chess and Go moves of the games I was reviewing.

I even googled this phenomenon to see if I was the only person seeing this, and found that I'm not. Scientists even somewhat conclude that this is very plausible:

http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/04/22/learning-while-you-dream/
http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/news/20041223/dreams-can-solve-problems

Okay now that I think I'm into something, I should:

1. ask to get paid more as I am working even in my sleep.
2. Advocate sleeping at work (and have it called brain storming)
3. figure out my life (again). Dreaming of setting up computer servers and writing software might indicate that there is something fundamentally wrong somewhere. Shouldn't I be dreaming of Ana Ivanovic, Megan Fox, and Jennifer Grey (yeah, I'd tap that)?

Oh I just remembered, there was one dream where I had a hot pornstar girlfriend...but let me save that for another blog post.

My fantasy #1

I'm flying first class on a Cathay Pacific flight to France, except the flight attendants are the young beautiful dancing FA's of Cebu Pacific (but interestingly all are cute chinitas), when suddenly the plane's computer has been hacked by some rogue Chinese teenagers; and the pilot then announces, "Is there a reverse engineer on the plane?" And then I say, "I am a reverse engineer. Step aside, and witness." I perform an on the field computer surgery, carefully dissecting as I explore broken internals and failing software organs. Prying and prying until I find and kill the offending pathogen; and with my metaphorical apple I feed the system back to life. Caressing the carbon fiber chassis as if they were wonderful bosoms left unattended too long; softly whispering, as if giving the breath of life to a dying woman -- who btw looks like Ana Ivanovic. And as I hear the frozen heart of an 8-core i7 CPU churn back to life I gently touch her screen, nay her face, who greeted me with such a wonderful picture of a smile: Linux Mint 9 (Isadora). Isadora...such a beautiful name. And with her emerald eyes we are caught in a trance...broken only be the realization that we are blissfully alive!

I save the day, everyone cheers, and the Miss Universe contestants who were coincidentally also on the plane belly dance to Shakira's "Hips don't lie".

Closest Encounter with Jupiter until 2022

http://science.nasa.gov/science-news/science-at-nasa/2010/15sep_jupiter/

Bring out your telescopes midnight of the 20th-21st.
You might already be dead when this happens again.

Let make this 21st midnight of September something to remember ;)
Well I don't know whether it is the 20th or the 21st...but you know, I had to associate it to a song.

Major events in my life...?

20 years ago: Someone circumcised me. That hurt but they say I will go to hell if I won't get with the program.

16 years ago: I graduated from Elementary. I thought I did not get a medal but my teacher told me she forgot to mention it. But only after I got scolded at home.

14 years ago: I was partnered with my crush in a Values project. That year was a demonstration of puppy love: Math quiz bee, Chess medals. I was still under pressure to bring home those circular metals.

12: years ago. Graduated from high school. Nothing special except I've started delving deep into existential nihilism. Well there was this one play that made me famous for a month -- which for a while there got me thinking I might have a future in acting (or rather, looking stupid on-stage or on camera)
My first girl friend was from the internet. I was pretty modern I guess, since now online dating is the craze.

10 years ago: I fell so madly in love I literally almost died (well killed myself that is)

8 years ago: I graduated from college without any serious academic achievement except pissing my professors off since I come to class with only a pen and paper..and lots of philosophy to boot. I thought it was fun back then to play the rebel genius anti-hero persona. Got everything right except the genius part.
I also got to see Hong Kong and all those rich chinitas.

7 years ago: I joined TrendMicro and it's hellish training. It was one of the best times of my life.

5 years ago: I finally got to see THE America. It was anti-climactic.

4 years ago: I finally got to see NASA!!! It was amazing.

2 years ago: I moved to another company. The decision made me better and fatter (literally and figuratively). It was also an amazing year in meeting someone. Too bad I was not able to mate. :P Let me get away with the chess terminology

1 year ago: Saw Geneva. Just okay.

And here we are...moved to Florida and all...shucks it seems I've still done so little. I thought I was gonna be someone well-accomplished by now.

Re-focus. Re-commit. To the childhood dreams of old.

"Stay hungry, stay foolish".

Beauty and Madness.

Beauty dies when gazed upon too long. Ironic. Or is it rather poetic? How the achievement of one's purpose of being becomes the death of it.

Been living in a very nice place, with gorgeous sunsets which still are...but aren't.

My agnostic rant.

I remember the first time I saw the pic at this link:
http://www.flatrock.org.nz/topics/odds_and_oddities/ultimate_in_unfair.htm

I am as pissed now as I was a pissed then. It's just so...wrong.

*rant warning!*

Tell me why, why should I believe in the one you claim to be giving redemption? The one who also has condemned me into oblivion...for simply being born. The one who also finds me guilty for simply being the way you claim he created me to be -- an imperfect, chubby but cute, human being. Who's like the Mafia asking for "protection" money -- if you pay I won't break your bones. I will go to hell -- unless I believe.... Oh yeah and you conveniently forget to mention that hell is where all those sinful hot women end up in.

:/