..Cries of a deranged woman

Okay I'm kidding with the title. Actually this poem has no title just yet, and I was just teasing my good friend, the author, about it. She asked me if I understood the poem, which I fluidly replied

francis_ian: poems are not meant to be understood...rather they are to evoke emotion, feelings that author wanted to express
francis_ian: in other words..hindi
francis_ian: hehehehe

Seriously now, I think the poem is good. It is worth a read.

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My head have circles of imaginations…
Full of laughter memories and tears
Every now and then I have a hologram of you..
An image without flesh and bones..

My dreams were stolen with your presence…
Occupied with the warmth of your breath…
Caught with the smell of your clothes
Torn between the goodness of your soul…

I heed myself underneath my pillows..
With tears full of worries that I may be alone
This can be a trauma of me being in solitary..
I am a heresh, a serviente this is my duty…

I may be left by inhabitants here…
But I will be at the side of someone I couldn’t see or hear…
A spirit who brought me in fidelity…
Who gave me a promise of joy and harmony…

Grand gestures

"...it is about grand gestures" -- a line from the trailer of Little Manhattan

There are alot of definitions of love, different levels, different experiences.

I want my love to be defined as something grand and special. I don't want it to be just about the little things. I wish I could live up to the hype I am creating.

To the one I have been waiting for so long, I offer you the best of who I am. And I am making myself better everyday. Please come soon. I have been lonely too long.

Breaking promises

I watched last night "The 40 year old virgin"..and it made me think alot. And finally, I have come up with yet another promise that I am making to myself. I say, hmmmmm..Here I go again with my stupid promises. I am a habitual promise breaker. But aha, not wanting to be defeated by my innate nature, I have found a way to circumvent things. I promise to find myself a girlfriend within two years (now..hmmm..if I break this..it means I will not find a girlfriend in that time span). You must now be thinking that I am crazy. Yes I am. Loneliness do that to you. But anyways, I am making this promise (that I will eventually break, naturally) because I have realized I have wasted enough time already. I am a 24 yr old virgin.

I want to become a better person. And I want to do it for me. Not for some darn girl who will suck the life out of you (if only she would suck something else..>:))

1. I have always wanted to lose weight, but 7 years of trying and I find myself bigger than ever. Kailangan na maayos toh. I don't want to die cause of diabetes, or worse, pancreatitis caused by overeating.
2. I am still insecure. Now with this personality, I make a good IT Administrator, but as a person..
3. I want to reach my dreams..aha..ironically most people need "inspiration" to do that..chicken and egg.
4. Well...there are alot. I don't like typing anymore.

To the mathematically improbable love of my life..please don't come too soon..but when the time comes I hope that you are worth the wait coz by then I promise I'm not (hehehe..I hope I break this one).

Into my first novel..

Hmmm..siguro panahon na para mag try ako mag sulat...second career..pero gusto pa rin sa anti-virus/reverse engineering stuff..

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Seen in the tombstone of Carlito Montaño.

For Trina.

For that solemn promise I dearly hold to keep.
Love has power over everything. Even over death.

Carlito C. Montaño
1981-2041
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Every man has a point in his life where destiny beckoned for that one chance. A defining moment if you will; leading to greatness or failure, or to a sense of fullfilment or to a that of greater longing, where boys become men. It is where champions and nobodies become who they are.

And I have to tell you, being loved by someone with all of his/her heart is the only championship anybody needs.

Excerpts from a Yahoo IM conversation...

3na: Tri-ribonucleic acid. A rare form of gene mutation resulting into the existence of
3na: fairly beautiful and highly intelligent women who are cursed to eternity with
3na: men bringing gifts, praises and adoration with total abandon.

Of course, she was just inventing the word, a jargon if you will, to describe her YM ID. Her name is Trina. She loves chemistry, Spongebob, and books with graphic sexual content. And me (Ok so I love Eric Segal's introduction in "Love Story"). Of course she doesn't know that back then. And so begins her quest to that ultimate knowledge, with my help (of course).

mcc: Heheh..

Actually, whenever I am in a stall and still am composing my reply, I use that old trick in chatting. Just laugh and make the other party think that what they said is cute (well it really was anyway) and make them blabber.

3na: So pathetic..you couldn't reply immediately so you're using that so old trick in the book.

Ok. So maybe cheap tricks do not work on her.

mcc: No no..I really find what you mentioned funny and cute.
mcc: I was not stalled, I was simply googling the term just in case you are plagiarizing.
3na: Nyahahahahahhaah

Yup. That's her version. It really frustrates you sometimes when you don't know if she is laughing at you or not.

3na: So unya unsa may gi ingon sa google abir?

So what did google say, huh?. She was speaking in Bisayan, a dialect she learned quickly from her ex-. The guy wanted to sing her an old Bisayan love song. But I clearly don't want to talk about it.

mcc: There is only one search result.
3na: And? :D :P
mcc: "3na is INDEED a Tri-ribonucleic acid. A rare form of gene mutation resulting into the existence
mcc: of fairly beautiful and highly intelligent women who are cursed to eternity
mcc: with men bringing gifts, praises and adoration with total abandon."
3na: See? :P :))
mcc: It's so convenient it's your homepage.
3na: Nyahahahaha


------ hindi ko pa tapos, sowee..

..friday blues..

..I'm sooo depressed today..so I'm posting my favorite poem, Desiderata. I hope copyright owners wouldn't mind..nobody is reading my blog anyway.

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Max Ehrmann


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

In search for God..

I just finished reading the book "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown. The book is quite good, it being well-researched and all. The book circled on the issue on science and its implications towards faith, a topic which always get me started.

Science has been considered by many as the enemy of religion. This premise has been solidified through time -- each progress of science compositely refute stronger the foundations upon which faith was built in. But in this, some people claim that science is not an enemy of religion but only a purifier of it. But this brings up a question of whether truth is a necessity of faith, since what is being questioned is not the validity of one's beliefs but the adherence of one's action to what he believes in.

Is it no longer important to ask whether Jesus really died for the salvation of man or was he just an eccentric figure made famous through the perceived inspiration by his followers? Is it really no longer important to ask if God is a being akin to us, since we are created in his image? Do we only have to live believing that there is a God, without understanding his nature?

I was a strong believer (or to honestly put, strongly wanted to believe) in God's existence. But I have become an agnostic due to the many inconsistencies that make my belief an ironic fallacy.

I can't believe there is a God who loves, and cares..but turns a blind eye to unborn fetuses, famished children, and the aged. And I can't believe in a God of truth, but disallows the very basic faculty into which truth is acheived. And I can't believe in a God of justice, but punishes those whose only fault was being born in a different place, far from the reach of the messengers of his Gospel.

Science and rationalization points that God could most probably be a just a concept. An idea concocted by man to fill in his misunderstanding and ignorance of his world. God is a convenient explanation to some thing one does not understand, perhaps because man being a rational creature could not accept the idea of chaos and irrationality of the universe.

But then going back..does it really matter if God exist? Does it make a difference if the world revolve around the sun when everyone thinks the universe revolve around the earth? Is truth less important than belief?

I am an unbeliever of the God that most people preach today...maybe there is a God..different from what most understood..and maybe meant to never be in touch with our own mundane lives....maybe God exists..or does not..but does it matter?

Maybe for many it does not..but it matters everything to me..

foolishness of old..

I just remembered, I wrote a stupid poem 2 years ago...what was I thinking..

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..Geeky Love from an Astrophysicist

Eons may have passed, and that the great
wanderers of the universe may have
made their light-years
Yet none of these compare to the magnitude
by which my love for you can be measured.
Apparently, your brightness and energy fill
me, engulf me with such velocity my heart
inevetably explodes
As though billions of supernovas were so
inifinitissimaly compressed
Seeking release and refuge from such minute space.
The cosmos which encompasses innumerability
has been so generously, so meticulously kind
Giving me a gift I would have received
against an odd of extreme improbability.
My life was but a footnote of insignificance
Cataclysmically, with hope tis now endowed
And power, enough to chase dreams that even
the stars so distant are but within my reach.

Never gonna watch a date movie on my own ever again...

There was this very humid day when my apartment was so unbearable to sleep in (ala aircon, poor lang po me). So I decided to go mall-ratting when I saw on the movie guide "the wedding date". hmmm.. the star of the movie was in the original wedding movie "My Best Friend's wedding" (I think this is a real sequel to the movie..he and the girl split up..and he now makes a living doing high class escort services). Well anyways, I was a fan of the former so I decided to check this one out. I bought a 99 (!..in an Extra challenge feature..one family of 10 eats for the day spending less than that) peso ticket. Going in, the damn lights of Gateway cinema shone on me so brightly that my oily head shines like Enceladus viewed from midnight Arizona. Needless to say, I was exhibit A -- lonely homo sapien losing the battle of bloodline extinction due to inherent gene defect causing immobilized verbal and mental activity when introduced to specimens of a dominant female variety of mutated chimpanzees. Some were actually sorry for me...others disgusted at seeing someone breaking the tradition and formality of such a sacred ritual of cuddling in the dark, everyone's excited to start.

Well, I've payed 99 pesos so I've decided to live this experience through. I saw a an empty chair in the middle of the upper portion of the cinema. What a luck! Two girls are sitting beside it. So grabbing the oppurtunity, I somewhat rushed to the seat and sat down with a big smug on my face (touch down!). The boyfriends of those girls were somewhat alarmed at seeing a lunatic sitting beside the apple's of their eyes, which resulted to their reactions of pulling the girls towards them in a very objectively uncomfortable position (they say, when your in love..nothing else matters) corralling the ladies with the reach of their arms.

There's a reason some films are called "date movies"...

Watching alone, one feels alot lonelier when the protagonist kisses the maiden in distress (or in this case, the distressful maiden). One feels so out-of-place when in the climax of the movie lovers (and puppy lovers) cuddle to cheerish the moment. Some cry, some laugh, and some even steal kisses in the dark (obviously I was no longer watching the movie and instead was spying around). And one's laughter just seem so ajar and self-conscious, feeling that the everyone's paying attention to the one who couldn't bring a date.

For 99 pesos..I paid to learn a lesson not found in the movie script.

a love letter?

I was supposed to send the letter below to this particular girl who has been on my mind alot lately. But something made me think, and hold back...since then

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I heard a song on the radio yesterday. It was perhaps of the blues genre, sang by a band that sounds alot like Blessid. The lyrics was smooth flowing and simple, and yet it drawed from me alot of emotions and memories...and wishful thinkings. The chorus/refrain (I really don't understand the difference between the two..but usually the climax of the song is located in those sections) really hit..I don't fully remember the lines now but it goes something like "..she loves to stay up all night..slow dancing in the moonlight...she loves christmas lights all year round..i put them up...put them down..it's about everything she likes"..I'm sorry I don't remember the title of the song...otherwise I would have requested it a hundred times in all the radio stations in the city..hoping that by chance you would clearly hear through the music what I now..and I guess have for quite some time already...felt for you.

I am taking a long shot...but I believe that one should pursue passionately what one fervently hopes for...

Perhaps like alot of other guys..I am one who dreams of being the one who makes you smile..and do, or just be with you doing all those things that you like. And to make things ok, when they are not alright...hoping that all of these would amount to a love good enough for you to always be mine...

I'm a hopeless romantic I know..and for that you might think that I am only in love with the song...but I am pretty sure that I am in love with the idea of loving you with all that I am...

They say I that I have always been a master with words...trifling with all those petty syllables to form something sweet to hear..but know that with you I only plan to be simple and always true..I have never been good in something like this...and I was always too shy too ask...but...will you let me have you, always mine to love?


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Mr Frown...on the way home from Puerto Galera..