My agnostic rant.

I remember the first time I saw the pic at this link:
http://www.flatrock.org.nz/topics/odds_and_oddities/ultimate_in_unfair.htm

I am as pissed now as I was a pissed then. It's just so...wrong.

*rant warning!*

Tell me why, why should I believe in the one you claim to be giving redemption? The one who also has condemned me into oblivion...for simply being born. The one who also finds me guilty for simply being the way you claim he created me to be -- an imperfect, chubby but cute, human being. Who's like the Mafia asking for "protection" money -- if you pay I won't break your bones. I will go to hell -- unless I believe.... Oh yeah and you conveniently forget to mention that hell is where all those sinful hot women end up in.

:/

The Imperfect Perfect Guy

This is primarily in response to a blog post that a girl I like wrote in response to the question "What kind of guy are you looking for?" -- I asked the question btw.

It turns out I am not so qualified, and with me being far away and all that it seems mine is a hopeless case. Another "friend lang" :D. But I wanted to make some comments and maybe present my case (magpaliwanag sa baranggay ika nga)...and I figured the best way to do it is through a similar process of applying for a job.

So here it goes:

Dear Madam:

It has come to my attention that there is an opening for a "Perfect Guy" position and I am very interested. I am not that experienced (most of the positions I handled were temps such as "Meantime Boy", "Gym buddy/Slave", "Friend WITHOUT Benefits", "MU + Textmate + Kuya") but am very motivated and very willing learn if you show me the ropes.

On the specifics of the requirements:

1. Godly. Well, I am an agnostic so I don't believe in the God as presented by the Bible, Koran, Talmud. But this doesn't mean that I live a "god-less" life. I have a great respect and amazement for life, and I make it a point to be at peace with other people. If you let me, I will love you faithfully and persistently. My love will never be perfect, but this does not hinder me to strive for a perfect love - of being patient, and kind, and not harboring a list of wrongs. Of always hoping, persevering and being able to forgive. Of living to a standard that says love never fails. I will fail on everything else, but not on doing everything I can to love you with all that I am.

2. Generous. As a man, I see it and happily accept the duty of providing for my family. It's an awkward question for some people, but I see it as something that should be asked. I will take care of you (not in the DOM way -- "papaaralin kita iha"), that I promise. And I will not undertake activities that will hinder my ability in providing for you and our family.

3. Genius. Well...I don't want to brag but.... Okay okay :D Some changes in perspective had made me to always want to give the best in what I do, in as creative of a way as I can. As a person I just see that life should be lived that way. And relationships too. Genius really is just common sense and persistence...as Einstein would say, "I am not the smartest, I just stayed on the problem longer".

4. Good looking. Patay tayo dyan. Este...pano ba...beauty is in the eye of the beholder :). Give me some time and soon you will succumb to the acquired taste that is prankoyz :P

5. Family background. Well I have a good family I think -- well there's a crazy uncle and auntie or two but I think they will just love you. I come from a broken family though that had just recently started to heal, but having to undergo through that process I think I am more determined that others in keeping the family we make together intact.

So...how about a chance?

Losing is sometimes also gaining

There was a poem in high school which I now barely remember, but the main story was about a man who finally got to appreciate the stars after his roof got blown away (or got burnt down).

Mindanao, where I am from has been suffering from scheduled black-outs due to insufficient power supply. However, I've realized that I've never stared at the moon as often nor as long in such a long long while.

Respect

Respect. It was, and often still is, a contentious issue that arises over certain conflicts concerning the equality (or superiority) of one concept over another. Man vs woman, black vs white, strength vs intelligence. Belief vs unbelief. The list goes on.

It has been a well accepted notion (though a blatant misconception) that respect arises only between equals -- and a tribute of the weak to the strong. Indeed it is easy to respect something you cannot (easily) overcome -- the sun, Mt. Everest, Michael Jordan...the Pacific. Conversely, man (okay...and woman) it seems is pre-dispositioned to abuse something that he thinks is inferior to him -- slaves, pets...nature...newbies in Mafia wars.

Only when respect is borne out of personal conviction that it is truly shared between complementing unequals.

Give to the needy...

Please donate! A lot of people in Metro Manila are in dire need of help right now.
Be careful with donating though, internet scams heartlessly use these calamities to prey on generous hearts:


The Philippine National Red Cross Web Site
http://www.redcross.org.ph/Site/PNRC/wtd.aspx

Info from Gmanews.tv website:
http://www.gmanews.tv/story/173256/3-drop-off-areas-designated-for-ondoy-victims-donations

Constructive learnings

Shared a jeepney ride with 4 construction workers each talking with pride about what they have finished that day. Filled with envy, and eavesdropping at their lively banter, I came up with the following realizations:

1. Eavesdropping is done best at public transportations.
2. All you really have to do to end your day with pride is work the best you can.
3. It doesn't matter that much what you do, but how you do it

Pinoy pride.

Today Manny Pacquiao defeated (more like a beating) Oscar dela Hoya in their much promoted Dream Match. This victory cemented his status as one of the greatest boxers of our time. This victory will also perhaps mark one of the greatest heights of Pinoy pride.

I can imagine it already, Filipinos like myself walking around chins up, noses pointed high, and with boisterous laughter declare to the world how great we are as shown by our compatriot Manny. Notwithstanding the fact that it is a fallacy to think that one boxer's success reflects the ability of a whole -- and that if the thinking taken to a broader degree disenfranchises all those other Pinoy losers who never achieved any form of success.

But who cares. Today we Filipinos can stand tall and proud--even if tomorrow we go back to our backstabbing, swindling, apathetic, crab-mentality ways.

Laziness is sin...

I haven't written a blog for a long time. Tinatamad eh (the usual excuse..done with a smiley grin..followed by the conventional half-laugh).

Looking back, it seems I have once again wasted another year of my life idling at square one. The game plan this year was to not just excel, but amaze. Amazingly I haven't started just yet. I have enrolled in a gym 4 months ago, and I still weigh the same. I have wanted to apply for patents, but I haven't even typed a single letter in my powerpoint presentation. What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!

I am quite amazed at how other people have that inner drive to do things. How they seem so inspired with life. They give their best at what they do. They have intense energy. Their will and focus unbending. How does one become one of those?

It seems I've become addicted to laziness. And laziness has never failed to bring one to ruin. I'm scared shitless with the direction my life is heading into. Somebody save me please...

Too Late To Turn Back Now

This is a song I heard only once, but one which touched my heart so much, and left so much emotion in me that I almost choked from the tears I barely held back from view of my most unforgiving friends.

--------

Too Late To Turn Back Now
( Cornelius Brothers and Sister Rose )


My mama told me, she said, "Son, please beware"
"There's this thing called love and it's everywhere"
She told me, "It can break your heart and leave you in misery"
And since I met this little woman,
I feel it's happening to me, and I'm tellin' you

It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm fallin' in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love

I found myself phoning her at least ten times a day
It's so unusual for me to carry on this way
I tell you ...
I can't sleep at night
Wanting to hold her tight
I've tried so hard to convince myself
That this feeling just can't be right, and I'm tellin' you

It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm fallin' in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love
It's too late, Baby....

Whoa-oh
I wouldn't mind it if I knew she really loved me too
But I hate to think that I'm in love alone and there's nothing that I can do
Whoa

It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm fallin' in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love
It's too late to turn back now
I believe, I believe, I believe I'm falling in love
It's too late

--------

Sorry...no psycho-babble/analysis for this one. Writer's block.

Home is where the heart is

After being here in the United States for so long, I am finally going back to the Philippines. Months ago I was very homesick, but now I am saddened to leave because Pasadena feels like my home already.

Just when I have finally adapted to the situation, it changes, and somehow I just feel a tad bit too tired already for starting all over again. I have to worry again about those alleged akyat-bahay neighbors who hit my apartment 2 years ago. I have to commute again with the jeepneys, instead of driving a car which I have been quite gotten accustomed to around here. And second worst of all, I am going back to sleeping in a small apartment with no air-conditioning and television.

The Worst thing of all is that I feel there's no place for me in Manila. It is a very unwelcoming place, unlike her where people greet you in the elevators, and strangers often smile to each other down the hallway. Where people open the doors for you, wait for you in the elevator, and treat you out on you birthday instead of the other way around (typical Filipino custom). In Manila, people just keep on complaining of what they don't have, what they should have, and even the things they are lucky to have that others don't. I hate Manila; somethinh I realized today, when the truth of coming home finally sank in on me.

Ok, maybe that is not the entire truth. Another side of the story I guess is that there's no girl I am going back to in Manila; and that perhaps more than anything else saps my energy and sense of purpose. I am bringing my meaningless existence back to a place that sucks. At least here, TV and Lego occupies my time.

Somehow I don't just feel like going back. But I must, and that alleviates some burden while adding some more too.

Writer's block

For weeks now I have been trying to write something really meaningful on this blog, but somehow I have never been able to produce. I can't really pinpoint the reason as to what is wrong, perhaps because there is nothing wrong, or there are just too many. I've been trying to put my mood into that which makes my hand an extension of my thoughts, but I always end up feeling some kind of void, an emptiness; I just can't seem to find that kind of passion that used to keep me going for hours, just expressing my thoughts. What's wrong with me? Perhaps this is the real me, and I simply have moments of inspiration which drives me to do something that I normally do not do.

I guess I am depressed in a bit. Alot of things are happening all around me that I can't keep up with; and being the control freak that I am I feel so inadequate, and perhaps outdated I guess. There are times I feel that I have burnt out my flame even before I even began to shine.

Well anyways, since this is the case, I guess I'll just do some plain story telling, instead of the usual philosophical approach.

There was this girl (those who know me know this line very well) I met 9 months back. She was pretty, somewhat shy, but quite a bit hmmm..how do you call that...masungit (stern?) in a way. I was smitten immediately. Oh, just to not leave anything out, I should also mention that she has a very hot body.

My typical romance is I fall for a girl, I try to become friends with her, we become close, I hint to her my feelings, she avoids me, I bang my head against the wall, we never talk to each other again. This one went like the playbook. The usual shy meeting, the moments I tell myself I'll never get to know her, the typical coincidence of meeting her somewhere, where the conversation and my hopeless romance began.

After weeks of just taking glances at her, I got to get to talk to her from time to time. And everytime I speak to her, my attraction just grows more and more. Heck, I even tried to learn Mandarin just to find a way to talk to her. such are my futile attempts to chase a star, the edge of the rainbow, the 7th heaven, or whatever what-cha-ma-call-it you have in your preferred metaphors. Of course all these ended up to nothing, and the moment she had to go back home to Taiwan after the project I was really saddened. I have never even got close to something memorable or defining with her. All I have are meaningless encounters (not those encounters I'm sure some of you immediately thought of) at the pantry, the doorway, or even the hollywoodish like parking lot scenario. I hated myself then because I was not ready to met her in the first place, and now she is gone. I knew I would never see her again.

Until two weeks ago, when she came back. And she was even more beautful this time. And her smiles, and laughter, and facial expressions just brought me back to the hole I dug myself into months ago. It was like de ja vu in some ways as I thought that this time we will never be talking as we used to. But talk we did, lots of talks more, in the two weeks that she has been here than the months I was given the first time. This is a second chance, I knew, and again a chance I was not prepared to take.

Who would have thought that I would get to have another chance of seeing someone I thought would never see again. And now it breaks my heart even more, as everyday I get to see someone who without effort dictates the motions of my heart, as if every beat is a moment that requires her permission to exist. Two weeks, and I knew that I would have two more weeks to enjoy the melody that I surprisingly found in her voice--that is until today, when I was told that I would be going home earlier than expected. My heart broke today, because the impending darkness that I knew would once again take over my life has come earlier that what I would have liked. It is like looking at a sunset in the northern skies this time of year, short but very beautiful, and just when you are starting to savor and bask at the gentle rays being reflected by the mountains serving as canvass to this wonderful painting, a thick fog suddenly appears to precede the eventual darkness.

I hate this day. And I love it too. It is more precious than the rest, though more fleeting too.

I hate my love story, and even this is debatable on whether this is truly about love. But with love having so many obscure meanings and descriptions, I would not be so different in calling this one having a definition of my own. I fell in love, no matter how shallow that sounds, to a girl whose smile and laughter breaks my heart everytime.

Darkness consume me now, for your cold embrace could no longer give pain much much stronger than what I am already in.


And that ends my fits of anger and depression...I feel much better now, and am ready to fall in love again for the first time. Hahaha...some say I sound like a drug addict, someone needing rehabilitation and psychological treatment. Some say I just need to get laid pretty bad. :P

Till my next writer's block.

People Whisperer

One of the more popular shows in US television nowadays is the National Geographic feature Dog Whisperer. In the show, dog behaviorist Ceasar Millan goes to from home to home helping dog owners fix their dog--no,no, not that "fix" kind. He is a not a dog castrationist; besides in the US even when you are a dog, you don't get your thing cut-off by simply misbehaving. By fix, I mean cure their dogs of their problematic behavior.

It was funny to see all those dogs giving their owners problems. There was one, a pit bull, who is just scared of anything (some good guard dog he is). Another, a chihuahua, bites anyone who goes near his man owner. My favorite one, a beagle, is quite a drag literally. He gets depressed all the time and that he just lays down and never moves. His owner has to drag or carry him just to get him anywhere.

For almost every case, the owners were thinking that they were in a hopeless situation. But as soon as Cesar comes in the picture he immediately gets results. Almost everyone were surprised by how easy it was for him to do it. And how easy it was what he did.

Cesar's method is very simple and is summarized as: be the pack leader. Oftentimes the problem is not the dog but the owner. And in the show, it can be seen that Ceasar is more often than not, fixing the owners than the animals. Dogs he say, are very simple creatures and that they need a leader to get them in control, or they will handle things themselves, the dog-eat-dog way. And so in the sessions that they were performing, Cesar was teaching the owners how to become leaders: how to be calm and dominant, confident, and in-control of the situation. He is showing them that dogs misbehave because the owners let them get away with it; and that if they want their dogs to be behaving better they need to let the animals know how things should be. The results are amazing: both the dogs and the owner really become better.

There is also one tenet in his show (which has caused some controversy resulting into criticism and even condemnation from organizations such as the American Humane Association): treat dogs as dogs. Which I whole-heartedly agree. Which of course doesn't mean I could maltreat a dog anytime I want. Dogs are wonderful animals, and very loyal, but to treat them almost to the point of being like human beings is just too much (dogs are almost like gods here!). Dogs and humans think differently, and that how you treat a human being should be different from how you treat a dog. In fact I want to take that tenet to a higher level: treat things the way they are (dogs, humans, situations, etc). The reason people never get past a problem is they do not see things the way those things should be seen.

In the show, I learned that dogs are similar to people (and vice versa). They also have insecurities, which often result to behaviors showing aggression, fear, or dominance. And that in general, they need a leader (in their case a "pack leader") who will make them calm, secure, and well behaved.

Cesar Millan's show is called the Dog Whisperer, but I think he is a people whisperer too. And the work he is doing is something worth doing, even though most of what he gets out of it are hugs from his female clients (which is awesome, since he has alot of celebrity clients. The hug he gave to Denise Richards in one episode seemed to be to be a split second longer than usual).

It's official. According to a generally biased test, men are cleverer than women. Hooray!

A new study found that men on average has 4 more IQ points than women, and therefore theoretically much (ok maybe not that much) smarter. Hoooraaayy! As to what that really means I have no clue, but it should be good news all the same. Vindication! Revenge! Justice! I know those things do not relate anything to the study but the occassion called for it. :P

IQ in general is a test designed to measure general intelligence, or so the experts say. It is not a complete test of intelligence, but rather a measurement of some form of mental ability that can be expressed in numbers between 50 and 200. Further reading would show that the test is generally biased towards men, especially of European descent. The fact the men were proven smarter by the test performed by men is a testament in itself; alot of men, especially against women, could not pull things off even when things are so much in their favor.

Women, knowing that they can never top a biased test designed against them, created their own biased test: EQ, or emotional quotient, test. And in that test, men after men, were shown to be heartless bastards that they have always been. But that is for another tale.

But what does IQ measure, really? What is general intelligence? Does having more help you make better decisions in life? Does it make you more prudent? Does it make you a better person?

Tales of mad scientists, lonely inventors, and impoverished geniuses make me think twice about its over-hyped absolute importance. Savants graduating college at 14 and dying at 21 just ruined it for me.


When I was younger, I have always thought that women in general are stupid (ladies, please forgive me; I was young and stupid). In my little chinky eyes I saw a perspective that many do share, though later in life I would admit unabsolute. Girls,ladies, women: they cry all the time even when crying does no good. They believe almost anything you tell them (like ghosts eating you, when ghosts in fact never go hungry. Or that you love them, when in fact you just want them to no longer be angry at you); and they never learn their lesson as can be attested by countless of impregnated women left behind to fend for themselves (another proof I guess that men are more clever).

My view of course drastically changed. Paying for a mortgage of a home, the color of which you don't even have a say in, is pretty stupid for me. Saying it is all because of love, is sound even worse.

Not that I would not be all of that someday. Men in general love being stupid, or anything else, for love.

Jealousy.

Jealousy.

It is a feeling, thought, or behaviour resulting from one's perception of a threat to his possession of something he or she values.


I just read today from an MSN article about jealousy. The author talked about his moments of being jealous, and how he ended up being silly and stupid. It was really funny, though still very informative in a way. In it he also mentioned about men being more jealous about sexual infidelity while women more on emotional infidelity.

Yeah. Why is that? Men in general (me included) quite become jealous over the possibility of someone I love/like/lust having sex with someone else. That's the first thing on my mind. Questions like the following immediately occupy and bug me: Did she kiss him? Did she hold hands with him? Did they have sex? In rare occassions does this question come to my mind first: Does she love him?

Men in general would rather have their women sexually faithful to them. It's not as important as their woman being in love with them or not. Wow we really are such bastards.

Women on the other hand are more concerned of whether their man love the other woman or not. So it is quite common to see women letting go over some indiscretion.

It is really that "Did you have sex with him?" vs "Do you love her?" question.

Women are such angels. But on the other hand, this is exactly the same kind of mentality that makes men very jealous. Oftentimes girls see things innocently (or make us men believe it so), like a kiss to a close friend that meant nothing, a dance that meant nothing, eye-to-eye contact that meant nothing..that "he's just a friend" and nothing more...and all those other things they tell us men that were simply nothing..that we are just too jealous sometimes. Ha! right! Sluts!!!

Oh God...I really am a disfunctional human being unsuitable for any serious relationship. Like most men are.

To kill a mockingbird

(I am writing this article upon the vehement request of the lone member of my blog readership. Oist trish! Wala na akong utang sa iyo. Hehehe)

"Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird"

The blue jay is a very common bird, and is often perceived as a bully and a pest, whereas mockingbirds do nothing but "sing their hearts out for us"

--Wikipedia

The end.

.
.
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Hehehe...kala ko makakalusot! (Heheheh...thought I can get away with it), Sige na nga! (Ok, fine, whatever!)


The "real" blog -- for reality is relative.

What kind of animal are you? I have been asked this amusing question once. As a guy I would have replied without thought "Walrus!". But I kept that to myself.

But come to think of it, people since time immemorial have been associating and comparing themselves to animals. There was a monk who considered himself to somewhat like an eagle, since he has such a strong grip. There was a farmer who thought he is similar to a monkey, because aside from looking like one he can climb trees very fast. Bruce Lee was associated with a dragon, Jacky Chan with a Snake, Jet Li with a Crane. Ok so my examples come from chinese martial arts movies, heheheh. But you have to admit, kung-fu movies with funny english dubs rock!

what kind of animal am I? Maybe I am a pig, because pigs are smart and sensitive creatures. Or a dog, because I am loyal, sophisticated, and besought by women (naks!). Or a horse, because of my long...and wide...view of the world. God I am such an animal.

But seriously, what kind of animal am I? This question came back to me, when this girl (she is single by the way and I have her number...the sister is mine :P) mentioned that she feels like she is a mockingbird.

Mockingbirds, for those such as myself who have not read the book To Kill a Mockingbird , are such innocent ang gentle creatures. People oppress them even though they do nothing but good. Sure. That's what the book says.

But really, doesn't anyone suspect the word "mocking" in mockingbird? How could such an abhorring name (OMG!) be given to such magnificent beings. Injustice! Conspiracy! Speciest! (well there's a word called "racist"). Sure. And then I saw this in my favorite encyclopedia:

Mockingbirds are a group of New World passerine birds best known for the habit of some species of mimicking the songs of other birds, often loudly and in rapid succession.

No wonder! They were mocking their fellow birds!

I feel sorry for my friend (who I repeat is single, come on guys!) for associating herself with such a desipicable creature. Mockingbirds should be killed! Every last one of them! Hehehehe...peace trish.

Besides, I think you're more of a dove. (bawi ba? :) )

The Law of Equivalent Trade

I have, for a couple of weeks now, been doing a movie marathon of the Full Metal Alchemist -- arguably one of the greatest animes of all time (or at least, that I have ever seen. Sorry Ichigo and Naruto). The story revolves on the concept of Equivalent Trade, where one could not gain anything without sacrificing something of equivalent value. It is an absolute concept, an ultimate law that binds all aspects of alchemy. To create something, you need a source for it, using alchemy to transform one thing to another. Of course this was not meticulusly observed in the series -- the fight scenes would have been very boring had they been transformed into a physics tutorial. There was a twist however, that being the Law of Equivalent Trade may be disregarded through the use of the Philosopher's Stone -- an object of an almost infinite source of power where the normal rules of alchemy are bent and twisted. In the end however, it was realized that even the Philosopher's stone observe the Law of Equivalent Trade, due to the fact that to create the stone a great price is needed to be paid.

The story of the anime was really capturing, a true metaphor of our perpetual engagement of our daily lives. Everyday we make countless "trades", pursuing one thing while sacrificing another, regardless of whether this fact is something we have noticed or not. Everyday, when I choose to eat more than I am morally entitled to, I gain a subjectively good amount of "happiness" and satisfaction in exchange for the oppurtunity to be healthy. When I choose to daydream, I exchange a good amount of what could have been productive time to countless enjoyable moments of pure fantasy. I have sacrificed my future oppurtunity to be a great movie star and a matinee idol in exchange for a really juicy medium rare 100% angus beef which I am not sure of whether it is infected with mad cow disease or not. These are the choices I made, the trades I bargained, for which I am now in deep misery...an equivalent trade for the pleasures that I have gained.

There is a limit to everything. Though I think that the limit varies from person to person, this fact is absolute. There is a limit to happiness and sadness, riches and poverty, fame and shame. It is how we manipulate them that determines our happiness, or at the very least our satisfaction. In order to be happy somehow you need to be sad, through sacrifice...and to show off your ability to handle your sadness to girls...which of course once they notice they will come to soothe your pain and ease all the misery that you've been in (heheh...works for me all the time, except that the girls are usually either middle-aged guidance counselors or very scary HR personnels)

When I was young, I endured much pain and suffering that can be caused by poverty. God it is so hard to get a girl to like you as more than a friend when she is doing charity for you too (charity in grade school and high school meant lending me her books, giving me paper during tests, and sharing me her unfinished Coke -- thank God she was onto the diet craze early in life). I told myself that I will do whatever I can in my power to never be able to go back the situation that I was in.

But now I realize, unless I want to live a life of complete mediocrity I really am someday gonna be poor again. Some people would argue that it all depends on your planning, but then I answer that life is full of unplanned events -- wars happen (damn it Iran and North Korea!), landslides occur, grandchildren appearing out of nowhere. And I would need a good amount of money for my gastric bypass sugery by the time I am 40. Plus the viagra supplements I would need once I am 90 (hell yeah I still plan to have sex at that age!).

Well anyways, I was merely tranforming my idle time into a non-sensical blog. Have to go to lunch. God, I really need to stop eating much. I am trading the girl of my dreams for a fat juicy pig.

Fireworks

The 4th of July is fastly approaching and everyone in the US is anticipating the day of independence, and more importantly (truth be told) of fireworks, the really good sales on the mall, and the long weekend away from work. Though whether the "real" essence of the occassion is lost to most people or not, the celebration and the preparation thereof has been grander than ever. It is known that people tend to take for granted what has always been there, most of what was there, and some of what might be there; the exception it seems has always been the want to have fun.

Fireworks are one of the most wonderful and most beautiful inventions man has ever created. And though some have transformed them into more dangerous things, that has not made me lose my pleasure on those that turn the sky a myriad of colors, beautifully progressing in perfect sequence, flickering like millions of stars against the darkness of the night.

Life, for those who have lived it like I did, is often a pretty boring engagement. And to be able to bear the burden one goes to sleep and dream of better things. Or watch fireworks. One like me can spend, and willingly so, his life just watching fireworks.

The best fireworks display I have ever seen was the one I saw last Dec. The midnight silence was suddenly broken, and as if by magic, the sky was alit with a thousand colors, streaks of lightning gently placed by deft hands painting on a canvass of darkness, all done in celebration of the coming new year. And though the world rumbled from the echoes of the succeeding thunder, I heard nothing but silence, purely mesmerized at the reflections of light...coming from her eyes. One can spend, and willingly so, his life just watching fireworks.

As I wait, I presume that the 4th of July display will most probably be grander, but it will never be more significant.

So close to where I've always wanted to be

Elliot Yamin of American Idol said in his parting video something like knowing what he was born to do, but not knowing how to get there, and that when suddenly things start to happen, it's just an amazing feeling.

It was the same feeling I have always had in seeing NASA. And yesterday, it was all happening, and it was oh so great.

Yesterday was the second day of NASA-JPL's annual open-house, where which they open their facility to the public to showcase their achievements for the past year or so. The event showcased some of the recent successful projects such as the MRO, and the somewhat older ones like the Mars Rovers. It also featured some of the current research being done at NASA, such as the aerogel, thermoelectricity, and robotics.

Oh it was oh so good. It felt like my kind of heaven, being so near to all those advancements in the human endeavor to scientific research and exploration. I was so close to the things I have always dreamt I was meant to do.

When I was younger, I was always fascinated with the stars and the cosmos that engulfs it (ok at first I was into getting filthy rich, but an Isaac Asimov book about stars and galaxies greatly changed my perspective). There were days I spent dreaming of intergalactic travel, sightseeing on Mars, developing better propulsion mechanisms. And being young then, I had believed that dreams can come true, if you only try hard enough for them.

But as Elliot has mentioned, the question has always been how to get there. I've figured that I should try hard to become great at math, science, and sex education (heheh..ok let me get away with this...what i meant was asexual reproductive cycles of microorganisms isolated in pristine non-growth conducive methane rich...ok ok..let's carry on). I've also figured that I would just have to apply a scholarship or something in some US university, excel academically, and then somehow get noticed by one of the braniacs that work at NASA. I've figured a lot of things...including the fact the maybe I might never even get to see the US.

I've always been a pessimist all my life. I don't know why, but somehow my brain got wired so wrong that I could be such a pathetic prick. I always seem to let things get the better out of me, easily, even when things should overwhelmingly have gone my way. And so, I have decided to let go this dream..and settled for more realistic things. And so I have decided to forget math, let go of science, but everyone who has been passionate about something knows that the dream does not die easily. I have somehow kept the sex education research just to keep that childhood fire alive.

It is an amazing feeling when you get what you have always wanted. It is even a more amazing feeling to suddenly find yourself, without even trying, that suddenly you are where you have always thought impossible to be in. I mean, WOW! As I went around the facility, I was awestruck with childish wonder at the things that were laid in front of me. I knew right then that yesterday, is a day I will always keep with me forever.

I have decided to pursue the dream again. It's a long term goal, a plan which will encompass about at least a decade as long as I keep strict to schedule. Most NASA missions took a very long time by the way to fruition, so I know that things you sacrifice so much for give back greatly if you are patient about it. Or not, but one has to try. One does not give up eating for the risk of choking, or space research for...errrr...whatever.

Better start going back to those math and science books. FHM and playboy, I am grateful to have never let go of. Hehehe

Romantic Creatures

Romantic Creatures.

There was this feature in Discovery Channel two years ago about spiders. It focused mostly on the mating season where which the male spiders become eaten after copulation. What I found to be funny about the feature is that the narrator said this: "His sacrifice ensures the continuity of his species for generations to come". It was funny because I really don't think the male spider saw it that way. Maybe he said: Oh, hello there spider girl...I'm here to save the species so if you don't mind let's get it on. But most likely he was simply one unlucky horny bastard.

The act is quite striking once you see the similarities in human behaviour. When one sees men leave professions, let go of dreams, or even die for the sake of women, one might begin to wonder if all males in the world be it of any specie are simply horny bastards. Ok the joke has run its course so let me ask this instead: are men really by design created to live or die according to the whims of women?

Rational creatures that we are, we have come up with terms and philosophies that make us want to charge to our doom with flowery speeches and chivalrous cries. Women have made that prospect even look nicer by inventing the words such as romantic or sweet or what-cha-ever-maka-call-its that we have become conditioned to want to hear.

O he died for me? He's so romantic. Thank you for doing this, that's so nice of you. You're such a man! (ergo, stupid?)

The Great Wall fell not because of Genghis Khan's hordes but of the tears of a beautiful courtesan. Samson lost his strength to the pretty smiles of a whore. A great Roman general fell because of Cleopatra.

Now to all the ladies reading this blog, it is not my intention to put the fair sex in a bad light. In fairness, the world has also been a better place because of you. This blog is about guys giving their all to the women (whether good or bad) they loved (lusted, obsessed, adored...what-cha-ever-maka-call-it). Now to continue...

Guys, why are we really doing this? Why is it that most of us buy into the idea of being incomplete without someone to share our lives with? And if we do have someone to share our lives with, why do we have to want to have sex with them as well? Why is it that nothing else matters but loving this person, or for the somewhat lucky unlucky horny bastards -- persons?

Why?

Let's try to keep it real this time.

The reason: we want to save the darn species.

In the words of Randy Jackson, keep it real dawg! (or spider)

Anyways, I have discovered a new pick up line. Not that it would finally work this time.

If I Die Tomorrow

The qoute "Live as if you would die tomorrow" is without a doubt one of the most popular quotes of all time. The logic being that one should not waste life away, and that one should live it to the fullest. Of course most of us know that this quote actually has alot of flaws in it. The major one being, is the great disregard for the concept of "delay of gratification".

If I somehow knew I were truly going to die tomorrow, I most certainly would do the following:

1. Eat all the chocolates I can eat
2. Request charity sex from every beautiful girl who comes my way
3. If item number 2 does not work, try paying for it
4. Use up all of my credit cards' limits (heheh)
5. Drink myself into purgatory

And I am not totally kidding too.

I believe that life is long enough to enjoy, yet short to easily waste. We are given with alot of chances..to try..to fail and to succeed..to change. Surely one must understand that this experience is perhaps never to repeat again, and to utilize it one must find ways to grow..to build..and to create. Acts or philosophies of desperation just doesn't cut it.

One should live life as if he is to live again tomorrow. Or more accurately, one must live wanting to live again tomorrow, fully knowing that he has to face the consequences of his actions at the same time going to enjoy the rewards of his toils. There are moments to enjoy, and moments to savor...but the good life is mostly based on the concept of planning and holding-out for better things.

Hmmmm...perhaps I should really start hitting the gym everyday...the reward of course would be to radically increase the success rate of item number 2.

Hehehe.