To kill a mockingbird

(I am writing this article upon the vehement request of the lone member of my blog readership. Oist trish! Wala na akong utang sa iyo. Hehehe)

"Shoot all the blue jays you want, if you can hit 'em, but remember it's a sin to kill a mockingbird"

The blue jay is a very common bird, and is often perceived as a bully and a pest, whereas mockingbirds do nothing but "sing their hearts out for us"

--Wikipedia

The end.

.
.
.

Hehehe...kala ko makakalusot! (Heheheh...thought I can get away with it), Sige na nga! (Ok, fine, whatever!)


The "real" blog -- for reality is relative.

What kind of animal are you? I have been asked this amusing question once. As a guy I would have replied without thought "Walrus!". But I kept that to myself.

But come to think of it, people since time immemorial have been associating and comparing themselves to animals. There was a monk who considered himself to somewhat like an eagle, since he has such a strong grip. There was a farmer who thought he is similar to a monkey, because aside from looking like one he can climb trees very fast. Bruce Lee was associated with a dragon, Jacky Chan with a Snake, Jet Li with a Crane. Ok so my examples come from chinese martial arts movies, heheheh. But you have to admit, kung-fu movies with funny english dubs rock!

what kind of animal am I? Maybe I am a pig, because pigs are smart and sensitive creatures. Or a dog, because I am loyal, sophisticated, and besought by women (naks!). Or a horse, because of my long...and wide...view of the world. God I am such an animal.

But seriously, what kind of animal am I? This question came back to me, when this girl (she is single by the way and I have her number...the sister is mine :P) mentioned that she feels like she is a mockingbird.

Mockingbirds, for those such as myself who have not read the book To Kill a Mockingbird , are such innocent ang gentle creatures. People oppress them even though they do nothing but good. Sure. That's what the book says.

But really, doesn't anyone suspect the word "mocking" in mockingbird? How could such an abhorring name (OMG!) be given to such magnificent beings. Injustice! Conspiracy! Speciest! (well there's a word called "racist"). Sure. And then I saw this in my favorite encyclopedia:

Mockingbirds are a group of New World passerine birds best known for the habit of some species of mimicking the songs of other birds, often loudly and in rapid succession.

No wonder! They were mocking their fellow birds!

I feel sorry for my friend (who I repeat is single, come on guys!) for associating herself with such a desipicable creature. Mockingbirds should be killed! Every last one of them! Hehehehe...peace trish.

Besides, I think you're more of a dove. (bawi ba? :) )

The Law of Equivalent Trade

I have, for a couple of weeks now, been doing a movie marathon of the Full Metal Alchemist -- arguably one of the greatest animes of all time (or at least, that I have ever seen. Sorry Ichigo and Naruto). The story revolves on the concept of Equivalent Trade, where one could not gain anything without sacrificing something of equivalent value. It is an absolute concept, an ultimate law that binds all aspects of alchemy. To create something, you need a source for it, using alchemy to transform one thing to another. Of course this was not meticulusly observed in the series -- the fight scenes would have been very boring had they been transformed into a physics tutorial. There was a twist however, that being the Law of Equivalent Trade may be disregarded through the use of the Philosopher's Stone -- an object of an almost infinite source of power where the normal rules of alchemy are bent and twisted. In the end however, it was realized that even the Philosopher's stone observe the Law of Equivalent Trade, due to the fact that to create the stone a great price is needed to be paid.

The story of the anime was really capturing, a true metaphor of our perpetual engagement of our daily lives. Everyday we make countless "trades", pursuing one thing while sacrificing another, regardless of whether this fact is something we have noticed or not. Everyday, when I choose to eat more than I am morally entitled to, I gain a subjectively good amount of "happiness" and satisfaction in exchange for the oppurtunity to be healthy. When I choose to daydream, I exchange a good amount of what could have been productive time to countless enjoyable moments of pure fantasy. I have sacrificed my future oppurtunity to be a great movie star and a matinee idol in exchange for a really juicy medium rare 100% angus beef which I am not sure of whether it is infected with mad cow disease or not. These are the choices I made, the trades I bargained, for which I am now in deep misery...an equivalent trade for the pleasures that I have gained.

There is a limit to everything. Though I think that the limit varies from person to person, this fact is absolute. There is a limit to happiness and sadness, riches and poverty, fame and shame. It is how we manipulate them that determines our happiness, or at the very least our satisfaction. In order to be happy somehow you need to be sad, through sacrifice...and to show off your ability to handle your sadness to girls...which of course once they notice they will come to soothe your pain and ease all the misery that you've been in (heheh...works for me all the time, except that the girls are usually either middle-aged guidance counselors or very scary HR personnels)

When I was young, I endured much pain and suffering that can be caused by poverty. God it is so hard to get a girl to like you as more than a friend when she is doing charity for you too (charity in grade school and high school meant lending me her books, giving me paper during tests, and sharing me her unfinished Coke -- thank God she was onto the diet craze early in life). I told myself that I will do whatever I can in my power to never be able to go back the situation that I was in.

But now I realize, unless I want to live a life of complete mediocrity I really am someday gonna be poor again. Some people would argue that it all depends on your planning, but then I answer that life is full of unplanned events -- wars happen (damn it Iran and North Korea!), landslides occur, grandchildren appearing out of nowhere. And I would need a good amount of money for my gastric bypass sugery by the time I am 40. Plus the viagra supplements I would need once I am 90 (hell yeah I still plan to have sex at that age!).

Well anyways, I was merely tranforming my idle time into a non-sensical blog. Have to go to lunch. God, I really need to stop eating much. I am trading the girl of my dreams for a fat juicy pig.

Fireworks

The 4th of July is fastly approaching and everyone in the US is anticipating the day of independence, and more importantly (truth be told) of fireworks, the really good sales on the mall, and the long weekend away from work. Though whether the "real" essence of the occassion is lost to most people or not, the celebration and the preparation thereof has been grander than ever. It is known that people tend to take for granted what has always been there, most of what was there, and some of what might be there; the exception it seems has always been the want to have fun.

Fireworks are one of the most wonderful and most beautiful inventions man has ever created. And though some have transformed them into more dangerous things, that has not made me lose my pleasure on those that turn the sky a myriad of colors, beautifully progressing in perfect sequence, flickering like millions of stars against the darkness of the night.

Life, for those who have lived it like I did, is often a pretty boring engagement. And to be able to bear the burden one goes to sleep and dream of better things. Or watch fireworks. One like me can spend, and willingly so, his life just watching fireworks.

The best fireworks display I have ever seen was the one I saw last Dec. The midnight silence was suddenly broken, and as if by magic, the sky was alit with a thousand colors, streaks of lightning gently placed by deft hands painting on a canvass of darkness, all done in celebration of the coming new year. And though the world rumbled from the echoes of the succeeding thunder, I heard nothing but silence, purely mesmerized at the reflections of light...coming from her eyes. One can spend, and willingly so, his life just watching fireworks.

As I wait, I presume that the 4th of July display will most probably be grander, but it will never be more significant.

So close to where I've always wanted to be

Elliot Yamin of American Idol said in his parting video something like knowing what he was born to do, but not knowing how to get there, and that when suddenly things start to happen, it's just an amazing feeling.

It was the same feeling I have always had in seeing NASA. And yesterday, it was all happening, and it was oh so great.

Yesterday was the second day of NASA-JPL's annual open-house, where which they open their facility to the public to showcase their achievements for the past year or so. The event showcased some of the recent successful projects such as the MRO, and the somewhat older ones like the Mars Rovers. It also featured some of the current research being done at NASA, such as the aerogel, thermoelectricity, and robotics.

Oh it was oh so good. It felt like my kind of heaven, being so near to all those advancements in the human endeavor to scientific research and exploration. I was so close to the things I have always dreamt I was meant to do.

When I was younger, I was always fascinated with the stars and the cosmos that engulfs it (ok at first I was into getting filthy rich, but an Isaac Asimov book about stars and galaxies greatly changed my perspective). There were days I spent dreaming of intergalactic travel, sightseeing on Mars, developing better propulsion mechanisms. And being young then, I had believed that dreams can come true, if you only try hard enough for them.

But as Elliot has mentioned, the question has always been how to get there. I've figured that I should try hard to become great at math, science, and sex education (heheh..ok let me get away with this...what i meant was asexual reproductive cycles of microorganisms isolated in pristine non-growth conducive methane rich...ok ok..let's carry on). I've also figured that I would just have to apply a scholarship or something in some US university, excel academically, and then somehow get noticed by one of the braniacs that work at NASA. I've figured a lot of things...including the fact the maybe I might never even get to see the US.

I've always been a pessimist all my life. I don't know why, but somehow my brain got wired so wrong that I could be such a pathetic prick. I always seem to let things get the better out of me, easily, even when things should overwhelmingly have gone my way. And so, I have decided to let go this dream..and settled for more realistic things. And so I have decided to forget math, let go of science, but everyone who has been passionate about something knows that the dream does not die easily. I have somehow kept the sex education research just to keep that childhood fire alive.

It is an amazing feeling when you get what you have always wanted. It is even a more amazing feeling to suddenly find yourself, without even trying, that suddenly you are where you have always thought impossible to be in. I mean, WOW! As I went around the facility, I was awestruck with childish wonder at the things that were laid in front of me. I knew right then that yesterday, is a day I will always keep with me forever.

I have decided to pursue the dream again. It's a long term goal, a plan which will encompass about at least a decade as long as I keep strict to schedule. Most NASA missions took a very long time by the way to fruition, so I know that things you sacrifice so much for give back greatly if you are patient about it. Or not, but one has to try. One does not give up eating for the risk of choking, or space research for...errrr...whatever.

Better start going back to those math and science books. FHM and playboy, I am grateful to have never let go of. Hehehe

Romantic Creatures

Romantic Creatures.

There was this feature in Discovery Channel two years ago about spiders. It focused mostly on the mating season where which the male spiders become eaten after copulation. What I found to be funny about the feature is that the narrator said this: "His sacrifice ensures the continuity of his species for generations to come". It was funny because I really don't think the male spider saw it that way. Maybe he said: Oh, hello there spider girl...I'm here to save the species so if you don't mind let's get it on. But most likely he was simply one unlucky horny bastard.

The act is quite striking once you see the similarities in human behaviour. When one sees men leave professions, let go of dreams, or even die for the sake of women, one might begin to wonder if all males in the world be it of any specie are simply horny bastards. Ok the joke has run its course so let me ask this instead: are men really by design created to live or die according to the whims of women?

Rational creatures that we are, we have come up with terms and philosophies that make us want to charge to our doom with flowery speeches and chivalrous cries. Women have made that prospect even look nicer by inventing the words such as romantic or sweet or what-cha-ever-maka-call-its that we have become conditioned to want to hear.

O he died for me? He's so romantic. Thank you for doing this, that's so nice of you. You're such a man! (ergo, stupid?)

The Great Wall fell not because of Genghis Khan's hordes but of the tears of a beautiful courtesan. Samson lost his strength to the pretty smiles of a whore. A great Roman general fell because of Cleopatra.

Now to all the ladies reading this blog, it is not my intention to put the fair sex in a bad light. In fairness, the world has also been a better place because of you. This blog is about guys giving their all to the women (whether good or bad) they loved (lusted, obsessed, adored...what-cha-ever-maka-call-it). Now to continue...

Guys, why are we really doing this? Why is it that most of us buy into the idea of being incomplete without someone to share our lives with? And if we do have someone to share our lives with, why do we have to want to have sex with them as well? Why is it that nothing else matters but loving this person, or for the somewhat lucky unlucky horny bastards -- persons?

Why?

Let's try to keep it real this time.

The reason: we want to save the darn species.

In the words of Randy Jackson, keep it real dawg! (or spider)

Anyways, I have discovered a new pick up line. Not that it would finally work this time.

If I Die Tomorrow

The qoute "Live as if you would die tomorrow" is without a doubt one of the most popular quotes of all time. The logic being that one should not waste life away, and that one should live it to the fullest. Of course most of us know that this quote actually has alot of flaws in it. The major one being, is the great disregard for the concept of "delay of gratification".

If I somehow knew I were truly going to die tomorrow, I most certainly would do the following:

1. Eat all the chocolates I can eat
2. Request charity sex from every beautiful girl who comes my way
3. If item number 2 does not work, try paying for it
4. Use up all of my credit cards' limits (heheh)
5. Drink myself into purgatory

And I am not totally kidding too.

I believe that life is long enough to enjoy, yet short to easily waste. We are given with alot of chances..to try..to fail and to succeed..to change. Surely one must understand that this experience is perhaps never to repeat again, and to utilize it one must find ways to grow..to build..and to create. Acts or philosophies of desperation just doesn't cut it.

One should live life as if he is to live again tomorrow. Or more accurately, one must live wanting to live again tomorrow, fully knowing that he has to face the consequences of his actions at the same time going to enjoy the rewards of his toils. There are moments to enjoy, and moments to savor...but the good life is mostly based on the concept of planning and holding-out for better things.

Hmmmm...perhaps I should really start hitting the gym everyday...the reward of course would be to radically increase the success rate of item number 2.

Hehehe.

Fear

Fear.

Yesterday, I went to Knott's Berry Farm and got on some of the wildest coaster rides that ever existed.

There was the Silver bullet which seems like a flyer/coaster...

the Xtreme rocket which has an almost 90 degree fall..

the Free fall which drops you 200 ft above the ground...




Ok clearly I was enjoying this pic...I'm sorry but I can't help showing the pic around..hahah


Eto pa!



Man it was a great day. And also a great day for experiment. I theorized that if only I condition my mind enough I would not feel fear. The logic being that if you know that you will be safe then there is no sense to be afraid. Ergo, stupid.

It was almost a success too. You see, fear is such a sneaky backstabbing bastard that strikes when you least expected it. It has the ability to remove logic for a split second which is more than enough to give you a heart attack.

Speaking of which, I remember reading this quote inside a military base while I was training for the Red Cross: Fear is a sign of ignorance .

This quote has gotten me curious, and it stuck on me ever since.

Often I find myself deeply engrossed in self-debate on the premise, arguing and counter arguing on the pros and cons of the matter -- in the comfort of course of my beloved toilet seat. Sometimes the pro in me wins, sometimes the cons dominate, the battle tough and enduring inside the crazy battlefield that is my morbidly lunatic mind.

It makes sense at first you know. I mean, before I was very afraid of taking a look at Playboy because I thought a lightning would hit me or something. But later on I "found out" that it won't happen...I mean how come a Playboy patron would be hit by lightning but people who massacre children will not (btw the Jessica Alba issue I've heard is really hot)

After some time I have come to conclude that it is not ignorance but rather a lack of acceptance to experience that feeds fear.

For example, I know that being hit by a truck on a freeway would most likely kill me...or worse I would survive and become maimed for life. Now that is really scary! I don't want to experience that. And in that fear I know that I would never want to play chicken cross the road with a raging truck.
Another, when I was younger I didn't know what fire is and so was not afraid of it. Then somehow I was hit with a really innovative idea of glowing cats. The formula was really simple, fire + cat tail = glowing cats. Uhuh...needless to say the experiment was scratchy (literally)..and now I am afraid to invent ever again.

Fear is born not out of ignorance, but rather of unwillingness.

Gee..saying that make it sound fear is bad. And then the memories start to kick in (chicken! bwakbwakbwak...man you don't have balls! Show some spine idiot!). Again I digress.
I really think, like most things..fear has a purpose and a benefit. It is one of the greatest survival tools ever invented. Hello asskissers and horror film producers!

oooopps...my break is about to be over and my boss will kill me. I am most certainly afraid of that..hehe..anyways the real purpose of this blog is to show off the pic of me with a proverbially beautiful girl. Eat your hearts out!!!!!

The ultimate postulate

The world is filled with men loved by women whom they don't deserve.


During the height of idealism I was so caught with idea of "giving the girl what she deserves". Time after time I have been letting pass all those girls who each have become special at some point in my life; because I have always felt that I was not worthy of them. And that they deserve something more. And that I can't offer them who I am because I was always lacking.

It was so true.

I have lived on this premise diligently, but there were times when I couldn't help myself. There were times when I caved in and asked the girl to be mine anyway. After I have played this line of thinking of course -- which makes the girl confused. Some had said that they liked me in the beginning but have already conditioned themselves to be just a friend to me because they thought that's all they were to me. Of course, there were those who have always considered me to be just a friend.

Hai. I am broken hearted lately as my heart has once again caved in. And so after some weeks of thinking, I have finally decided to let the girl know. And so let her know I did.

It didn't turn out well.

The sad thing is I really don't know if there was something to begin with, or if only I had let my imagination go to far. Well, I guess I wanted to let her know anyway regardless of what she feels for me. So I am somewhat happy beyond the bitterness that I now feel.

But of course, no matter how positive you take a look at it..it's still different when things had turn out for the better.

I guess my only regret is that I have not been fully honest with my feelings from the start. Looking back I realize that I would have had less things to be sorry about had I been acting truly the way I feel from the beginning.

Sure, perhaps it wouldn't have changed the outcome. But it would have changed somewhat how I am feeling now.

As what I have mentioned before..sometimes the truth scares us that we settle for a pretense.

I won't do that ever again. I promise to be braver from now on. Be more honest..and be less idealistic.

The world is filled with wonderful women who will love you for who you are no matter what. I guess I am just
waiting for the one who will make her unfortunate mistake on me. I wish her all the best of bad luck.

Hehehe.

Life, bring it on!!

Truly in love?

Lately I have been losing quite alot of sleep..and sanity over this girl. I've been thinking alot. Am I really in love with her? Is my love real? Am I good enough?

I dunno..it's just that she makes me smile alot. Makes me happy alot (I spent the new year with her at her house).

Everytime she smiles I am happy. And thoughts cloud my mind...thoughts..dreams of being the one who makes her happy.

But there are times I feel confused. Am I someone more than a friend to her? Or she is just one of those really wonderful kind of girls who are naturally sweet and kind.

There are times when she ignores me. And that makes me feel as though I am just a plain friend. Garrrrrgg. This is so confusing.

Why don't you ask her?

Yeah I will. I'm just waiting for the perfect time to be rejected. Or be wonderfully surprised. Wish me luck

Love is patient; love is kind
and envies no one.
Love is never boastful, nor conceited, nor rude;
never selfish, not quick to take offense.
There is nothing love cannot face;
there is no limit to its faith,
its hope, and endurance.

..Cries of a deranged woman

Okay I'm kidding with the title. Actually this poem has no title just yet, and I was just teasing my good friend, the author, about it. She asked me if I understood the poem, which I fluidly replied

francis_ian: poems are not meant to be understood...rather they are to evoke emotion, feelings that author wanted to express
francis_ian: in other words..hindi
francis_ian: hehehehe

Seriously now, I think the poem is good. It is worth a read.

-----

My head have circles of imaginations…
Full of laughter memories and tears
Every now and then I have a hologram of you..
An image without flesh and bones..

My dreams were stolen with your presence…
Occupied with the warmth of your breath…
Caught with the smell of your clothes
Torn between the goodness of your soul…

I heed myself underneath my pillows..
With tears full of worries that I may be alone
This can be a trauma of me being in solitary..
I am a heresh, a serviente this is my duty…

I may be left by inhabitants here…
But I will be at the side of someone I couldn’t see or hear…
A spirit who brought me in fidelity…
Who gave me a promise of joy and harmony…

Grand gestures

"...it is about grand gestures" -- a line from the trailer of Little Manhattan

There are alot of definitions of love, different levels, different experiences.

I want my love to be defined as something grand and special. I don't want it to be just about the little things. I wish I could live up to the hype I am creating.

To the one I have been waiting for so long, I offer you the best of who I am. And I am making myself better everyday. Please come soon. I have been lonely too long.

Breaking promises

I watched last night "The 40 year old virgin"..and it made me think alot. And finally, I have come up with yet another promise that I am making to myself. I say, hmmmmm..Here I go again with my stupid promises. I am a habitual promise breaker. But aha, not wanting to be defeated by my innate nature, I have found a way to circumvent things. I promise to find myself a girlfriend within two years (now..hmmm..if I break this..it means I will not find a girlfriend in that time span). You must now be thinking that I am crazy. Yes I am. Loneliness do that to you. But anyways, I am making this promise (that I will eventually break, naturally) because I have realized I have wasted enough time already. I am a 24 yr old virgin.

I want to become a better person. And I want to do it for me. Not for some darn girl who will suck the life out of you (if only she would suck something else..>:))

1. I have always wanted to lose weight, but 7 years of trying and I find myself bigger than ever. Kailangan na maayos toh. I don't want to die cause of diabetes, or worse, pancreatitis caused by overeating.
2. I am still insecure. Now with this personality, I make a good IT Administrator, but as a person..
3. I want to reach my dreams..aha..ironically most people need "inspiration" to do that..chicken and egg.
4. Well...there are alot. I don't like typing anymore.

To the mathematically improbable love of my life..please don't come too soon..but when the time comes I hope that you are worth the wait coz by then I promise I'm not (hehehe..I hope I break this one).

Into my first novel..

Hmmm..siguro panahon na para mag try ako mag sulat...second career..pero gusto pa rin sa anti-virus/reverse engineering stuff..

---------------------

Seen in the tombstone of Carlito Montaño.

For Trina.

For that solemn promise I dearly hold to keep.
Love has power over everything. Even over death.

Carlito C. Montaño
1981-2041
---------------------

Every man has a point in his life where destiny beckoned for that one chance. A defining moment if you will; leading to greatness or failure, or to a sense of fullfilment or to a that of greater longing, where boys become men. It is where champions and nobodies become who they are.

And I have to tell you, being loved by someone with all of his/her heart is the only championship anybody needs.

Excerpts from a Yahoo IM conversation...

3na: Tri-ribonucleic acid. A rare form of gene mutation resulting into the existence of
3na: fairly beautiful and highly intelligent women who are cursed to eternity with
3na: men bringing gifts, praises and adoration with total abandon.

Of course, she was just inventing the word, a jargon if you will, to describe her YM ID. Her name is Trina. She loves chemistry, Spongebob, and books with graphic sexual content. And me (Ok so I love Eric Segal's introduction in "Love Story"). Of course she doesn't know that back then. And so begins her quest to that ultimate knowledge, with my help (of course).

mcc: Heheh..

Actually, whenever I am in a stall and still am composing my reply, I use that old trick in chatting. Just laugh and make the other party think that what they said is cute (well it really was anyway) and make them blabber.

3na: So pathetic..you couldn't reply immediately so you're using that so old trick in the book.

Ok. So maybe cheap tricks do not work on her.

mcc: No no..I really find what you mentioned funny and cute.
mcc: I was not stalled, I was simply googling the term just in case you are plagiarizing.
3na: Nyahahahahahhaah

Yup. That's her version. It really frustrates you sometimes when you don't know if she is laughing at you or not.

3na: So unya unsa may gi ingon sa google abir?

So what did google say, huh?. She was speaking in Bisayan, a dialect she learned quickly from her ex-. The guy wanted to sing her an old Bisayan love song. But I clearly don't want to talk about it.

mcc: There is only one search result.
3na: And? :D :P
mcc: "3na is INDEED a Tri-ribonucleic acid. A rare form of gene mutation resulting into the existence
mcc: of fairly beautiful and highly intelligent women who are cursed to eternity
mcc: with men bringing gifts, praises and adoration with total abandon."
3na: See? :P :))
mcc: It's so convenient it's your homepage.
3na: Nyahahahaha


------ hindi ko pa tapos, sowee..

..friday blues..

..I'm sooo depressed today..so I'm posting my favorite poem, Desiderata. I hope copyright owners wouldn't mind..nobody is reading my blog anyway.

-------------------


Max Ehrmann


Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

In search for God..

I just finished reading the book "Angels and Demons" by Dan Brown. The book is quite good, it being well-researched and all. The book circled on the issue on science and its implications towards faith, a topic which always get me started.

Science has been considered by many as the enemy of religion. This premise has been solidified through time -- each progress of science compositely refute stronger the foundations upon which faith was built in. But in this, some people claim that science is not an enemy of religion but only a purifier of it. But this brings up a question of whether truth is a necessity of faith, since what is being questioned is not the validity of one's beliefs but the adherence of one's action to what he believes in.

Is it no longer important to ask whether Jesus really died for the salvation of man or was he just an eccentric figure made famous through the perceived inspiration by his followers? Is it really no longer important to ask if God is a being akin to us, since we are created in his image? Do we only have to live believing that there is a God, without understanding his nature?

I was a strong believer (or to honestly put, strongly wanted to believe) in God's existence. But I have become an agnostic due to the many inconsistencies that make my belief an ironic fallacy.

I can't believe there is a God who loves, and cares..but turns a blind eye to unborn fetuses, famished children, and the aged. And I can't believe in a God of truth, but disallows the very basic faculty into which truth is acheived. And I can't believe in a God of justice, but punishes those whose only fault was being born in a different place, far from the reach of the messengers of his Gospel.

Science and rationalization points that God could most probably be a just a concept. An idea concocted by man to fill in his misunderstanding and ignorance of his world. God is a convenient explanation to some thing one does not understand, perhaps because man being a rational creature could not accept the idea of chaos and irrationality of the universe.

But then going back..does it really matter if God exist? Does it make a difference if the world revolve around the sun when everyone thinks the universe revolve around the earth? Is truth less important than belief?

I am an unbeliever of the God that most people preach today...maybe there is a God..different from what most understood..and maybe meant to never be in touch with our own mundane lives....maybe God exists..or does not..but does it matter?

Maybe for many it does not..but it matters everything to me..

foolishness of old..

I just remembered, I wrote a stupid poem 2 years ago...what was I thinking..

---------------------------------------------------

..Geeky Love from an Astrophysicist

Eons may have passed, and that the great
wanderers of the universe may have
made their light-years
Yet none of these compare to the magnitude
by which my love for you can be measured.
Apparently, your brightness and energy fill
me, engulf me with such velocity my heart
inevetably explodes
As though billions of supernovas were so
inifinitissimaly compressed
Seeking release and refuge from such minute space.
The cosmos which encompasses innumerability
has been so generously, so meticulously kind
Giving me a gift I would have received
against an odd of extreme improbability.
My life was but a footnote of insignificance
Cataclysmically, with hope tis now endowed
And power, enough to chase dreams that even
the stars so distant are but within my reach.

Never gonna watch a date movie on my own ever again...

There was this very humid day when my apartment was so unbearable to sleep in (ala aircon, poor lang po me). So I decided to go mall-ratting when I saw on the movie guide "the wedding date". hmmm.. the star of the movie was in the original wedding movie "My Best Friend's wedding" (I think this is a real sequel to the movie..he and the girl split up..and he now makes a living doing high class escort services). Well anyways, I was a fan of the former so I decided to check this one out. I bought a 99 (!..in an Extra challenge feature..one family of 10 eats for the day spending less than that) peso ticket. Going in, the damn lights of Gateway cinema shone on me so brightly that my oily head shines like Enceladus viewed from midnight Arizona. Needless to say, I was exhibit A -- lonely homo sapien losing the battle of bloodline extinction due to inherent gene defect causing immobilized verbal and mental activity when introduced to specimens of a dominant female variety of mutated chimpanzees. Some were actually sorry for me...others disgusted at seeing someone breaking the tradition and formality of such a sacred ritual of cuddling in the dark, everyone's excited to start.

Well, I've payed 99 pesos so I've decided to live this experience through. I saw a an empty chair in the middle of the upper portion of the cinema. What a luck! Two girls are sitting beside it. So grabbing the oppurtunity, I somewhat rushed to the seat and sat down with a big smug on my face (touch down!). The boyfriends of those girls were somewhat alarmed at seeing a lunatic sitting beside the apple's of their eyes, which resulted to their reactions of pulling the girls towards them in a very objectively uncomfortable position (they say, when your in love..nothing else matters) corralling the ladies with the reach of their arms.

There's a reason some films are called "date movies"...

Watching alone, one feels alot lonelier when the protagonist kisses the maiden in distress (or in this case, the distressful maiden). One feels so out-of-place when in the climax of the movie lovers (and puppy lovers) cuddle to cheerish the moment. Some cry, some laugh, and some even steal kisses in the dark (obviously I was no longer watching the movie and instead was spying around). And one's laughter just seem so ajar and self-conscious, feeling that the everyone's paying attention to the one who couldn't bring a date.

For 99 pesos..I paid to learn a lesson not found in the movie script.

a love letter?

I was supposed to send the letter below to this particular girl who has been on my mind alot lately. But something made me think, and hold back...since then

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I heard a song on the radio yesterday. It was perhaps of the blues genre, sang by a band that sounds alot like Blessid. The lyrics was smooth flowing and simple, and yet it drawed from me alot of emotions and memories...and wishful thinkings. The chorus/refrain (I really don't understand the difference between the two..but usually the climax of the song is located in those sections) really hit..I don't fully remember the lines now but it goes something like "..she loves to stay up all night..slow dancing in the moonlight...she loves christmas lights all year round..i put them up...put them down..it's about everything she likes"..I'm sorry I don't remember the title of the song...otherwise I would have requested it a hundred times in all the radio stations in the city..hoping that by chance you would clearly hear through the music what I now..and I guess have for quite some time already...felt for you.

I am taking a long shot...but I believe that one should pursue passionately what one fervently hopes for...

Perhaps like alot of other guys..I am one who dreams of being the one who makes you smile..and do, or just be with you doing all those things that you like. And to make things ok, when they are not alright...hoping that all of these would amount to a love good enough for you to always be mine...

I'm a hopeless romantic I know..and for that you might think that I am only in love with the song...but I am pretty sure that I am in love with the idea of loving you with all that I am...

They say I that I have always been a master with words...trifling with all those petty syllables to form something sweet to hear..but know that with you I only plan to be simple and always true..I have never been good in something like this...and I was always too shy too ask...but...will you let me have you, always mine to love?


---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr Frown...on the way home from Puerto Galera..